What Should I Do If I Don’t Like My Parent’s new Boyfriend / Girlfriend?
Many children of single parents end up in a situation where their parents start dating again and they don’t like the new boyfriend or girlfriend. If there is a reason not to like them – like they make you feel uncomfortable or are physically or emotionally abusive, you need to tell someone about it. However, if you just don’t like them and you don’t know exactly why, there are some things you should keep in mind to help you adjust to your parent’s new love interest and keep from damaging your own relationship with your parent:
- Remember, your parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend is not your new parent. They shouldn’t act like they are, and you shouldn’t expect them to fill that role.
Talk to your mom or dad about it, but make sure you do it in a respectful way. Explain that you don’t like the idea of them dating. If it hasn’t been long since the divorce, explain that you need time to adjust to the divorce. Explain that you are trying, but that they need to understand that this hurts you. Don’t give ultimatums and don’t place blame. Just share your feelings.
Remember that you don’t have to like the person your parent dates. Unless that person makes you feel unsafe for some reason, you don’t have to like them. Don’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way, you can’t.
Try to start over. If there isn’t a reason not to like the new person in your parent’s life, go back and “redo.” Start over remembering that you are just working on forming a new friendship regardless of what your parent feels about this parent. Engage in idle chit-chat. Find things that you both like and talk about them (even it’s ice cream). Without the pressure on either of you, you might find it easier to start a relationship and even form a friendship with this person if you just start over.
Guard your heart. Your parent might be in love, but that doesn’t mean this relationship will last. If you do put some effort into it and end up liking this person, guard your heart a little bit to avoid being overly vulnerable in the event the relationship ends.
Work on your relationship with your parent. Just because the two of you disagree doesn’t have to destroy the relationship. Find some common ground or work together to set up some ground rules that you both can live with.
You might also find something useful in the following previous questions answered here on I Am A Child of Divorce:
Hmm, this is the exact approach I’ve taken with our daughter. But what happens when the child DOES have good cause to be upset and angry at the new GF? And what if Dad and new GF are doing the exact opposite of everything recommended here. If they are more interested in their own needs, and put those needs before child’s (very narcissistic behavior on the adults part)?
Patty, sorry for the delay in responding to your comment. I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. That must be hard on both you and your daughter. Unfortunately, all you can do for your part is make sure that you are not bad-mouthing your ex in front of your child. No matter what he’s doing, she needs to know that she is free to love both of you. Comfort your daughter and empathize with her as much as you can. Without singling our your ex or his new gf, use this as an opportunity to talk to and teach your daughter about dealing with difficult people. In the end, there isn’t anything you can do to make your ex change, but you do have control over how your daughter perceives your reaction to that situation. If there is anything else we can do to help, please let us know!
It is hard my parents have been device for a long time now I just don’t like them dating I am still not use to them being divorced but it has been 3 years
What do I do?
Melanie,
I am so sorry that you are hurting over this. Unfortunately, while the pain does lessen with time, it can easily come back and hit us when we least expect it (like when parents start dating again). Have you talked to you parents about how you feel? The most important thing you can do is find someone you trust that you can talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. If there is a support group in your area, join. If not, and you are a teenager, you might consider joining our online support group for teens. I can give you more information if you want it.
My mum and dad got divorced about 1 + 1/2 years ago and my mum started dating another man before they told us the news. After about 3 months of knowing she announced that she was pregnant with her new boyfriends baby. Now a year later I still don’t like my mums boyfriend because of how quick it all went and the baby. Also after the news of the divorce my older sister went missing – this was a very hard time for me… Now i am still depressed, upset and feeling low all the time.
What should i do…
I’m sorry to hear about everything you’re going through. We are currently working on an article about how to deal with a situation where one parent is dating or married to the person you view as causing the divorce. We are hoping to have that up and ready to go sometime next week, and I hope you’ll check it out. In terms of still feeling upset after 1 1/2+, please know that there is no real time frame after which you should “feel better.” The important thing is to find someone you trust who is removed from the situation that you can talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. When you say your sister “went missing,” what do you mean by that? I imagine that was tough especially after dealing with your parents’ divorce.
What do you do when your parents both start dating new people and lie to you and never stop to the point where you just want to scream at both of them all the time? My parents are divorced. And the people they are now dating was the reason what do i do?
Caroline, That has to be really hard to deal with. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and suffering a great deal of stress as well. I would suggest using the Angerometer (https://iamachildofdivorce.com/the-anger-ometer-tracking-your-anger-in-order-to-deal-with-it/) to gauge when you’re getting angry and the techniques you find that help. Let me know how it goes. Thanks, Wayne
My mym and dad split up because my mums new bf who is the reason i cannot like him is there any thing i can do?
Liam,
We are currently working on an article that addresses exactly this question. We hope to have it up on the site sometime next week. I hope you’ll check back, read it, and let us know if it helps.
Take care of yourself,
Wayne
Founder of IAmaChildofDivorce.com
I can’t accept my mom’s Bf i hate him. Every time I see him I get mad. I understand what you’re saying but I just can’t do it.
I just can’t love my mum the way I did, or see her as I did a while ago. I hate my mum’s new BF, and I think she is just doing it to feel good about herself….. I’m lost. BTW my old account is called hashtaghusky
Hashtaghusky,
Unfortunately parents don’t always make the best choices or the choices we think they should be making. And, just because you disagree with the choices she is making doesn’t mean that you have to love her less, just that you might not respect her choices as much. What is it that you hate about your mom’s new boyfriend? Is it something particular about him or just the fact that she is dating him? Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help! That’s what we are here for.
I don’t like the fact that none of my siblings know but all of her friends do, it’s a long distance relationship so she’s always on her phone, and whenever she goes to England, regardless of whether she has us with her, she will go and spend loads of time with him, and since she goes late at night and comes back early in the morning, it’s not at all discreet what they do.