Many parents lose sight of their children’s needs during a divorce.  That is why we were excited to find this pamphlet from child centered solutions is designed to help parents to keep their children’s needs first when going through a divorce.  The pamphlet addresses the following topics:

• Stewardship vs. Ownership Parenting
• How do you prepare children for divorce?
• How do you help children cope with family change?
• What are some positive parenting strategies?
• What questions should parents ask before developing a parenting plan?
• What is a workable parenting plan?
• What are some strategies for handling conflict?
• What should you communicate to your children’s school?
• What is a custody or parenting evaluation?
• Where can additional resources be found?

In section includes bulleted lists of useful advice and suggestions for parents to follow to help ensure that they are putting their kids first during the divorce.

LINK TO RESOURCE:

http://www.childcenteredsolutions.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/PuttingChildrenFirst.pdf

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If your parents are separated or divorced, you may have a lot of spiritual questions about God and faith and the church.  Many times when parents get divorced, kids begin to wonder about why they even exist and sometimes that leads to tough questions about God and faith.  Here at I Am A Child of Divorce, we want to help you as you search through and struggle with many of those questions.  So, we have created a section for “Questions About Spiritual Stuff” that will address these question.

We recognize that discussions about God can be very polarizing and controversial, but the fact of the matter is that God can help you heal after your parents divorce and provide hope.  To ignore that may avoid some controversy, but it would not be fair to you (as someone whose parents divorced) to ignore the issue all together.

Our goal in tackling spiritual issues is to be as honest and as forthright as we know how to be.  If you don’t feel like these particular questions or issues apply to you, please just ignore them and continue to utilize the rest of I Am A Child of Divorce to help yourself in whatever way possible.  However, if you do have questions about God and Faith, we hope that these answers will help you to sort through those issues.

Even if you do not believe in God, or feel like you don’t need faith, I would encourage you to at least read through these questions and answers.  While the principal issues addressed are indeed about God and Faith, they also deal with the broader issues of meaning and existence.  Regardless of what you believe, these are issues that we all have to face and divorce sometimes forces us to face them earlier than we would like.

So, stay tuned to this section as we intend to tackle questions like: Continue reading

From MU Extension at the University of Missouri-Columbia, this resources suggests a multitude of activities that parents can do with their children to “help them work through their feelings, concerns and frustrations regarding the divorce.”  Though specifically designed for parents, these activities can generally be done by any caring adult with a child of divorce.

Specific details and ideas are included for each of the types of activities which include:

• Drawing Pictures
• Conversation Starters
• Communicating from a Difference
• Reading and Writing Stories
• Playing Together
• Making a Personal History Time Line
• Exercising
• Making a Time Capsule

LINK TO RESOURCE:

http://extension.missouri.edu/p/GH6602

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In this article from Huffington Post, Shanon Bradley-Colleary shares an important first hand account on the importance of her parents getting along after their divorce.  So many times, children of divorce are left reeling and wondering why they even exist in the face of their parents divorce.  Ms. Bradley-Colleary’s experience was what you might call a success story:

Sitting at a table listening to my parent’s talk about these escapades — with my stepmom laughing along — made me feel like I am something more than a beloved mistake. They had a history and a story that had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with me becoming the person I am today.

I love my parents — the three I have remaining and my stepdad Guido who is gone, but has left his mark on me too. Despite all of my poor-me-child-of-divorce-violin-in-A-minor sonatas, I had great parents. I have great parents. And I’m grateful, grateful, grateful that they love each other. Thanks mom and dad.

ARTICLE LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-colleary/when-your-divorced-parent_b_3007254.html

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Divorce is stressful.  It is stressful for parents, and it is stressful for kids.  One of the best things you can do to reduce stress and other intense emotions (like anger) is to learn some simple activities and breathing techniques.  The website consciousdiscipline.com offers this great resource which includes four simple techniques to help you deal with your high levels of stress and calm down.  Although the “reminder” graphics were developed for kids, these exercises work great for people of any age!

LINK TO RESOURCE PAGE:

http://consciousdiscipline.com/resources/safe_place_breathing_icons.asp

LINK TO PDF FILE:

http://consciousdiscipline.com/downloads/resources/Safe_Place_Breathing_Icons.pdf

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We are please to officially announce the beginning of I Am A Child of Divorce support groups.  These groups are intended children of divorce find hope and healing in the aftermath of their parents’ separation or divorce.

Groups are free to participate in and will be conducted entirely online and consist of a weekly introduction to the week’s theme, a video (or videos) to watch, prep work to be done online in preparation for the online chat, a one hour weekly online chat (text not voice) conducted in a private chat room available only to group members, and a recap activity to drive home each week’s theme.

Our first group, a pilot program for teens, will launch the last week of April with the first weekly live chat to be held Thursday, May 2 from 9:00 – 10:00 PM EST, and registration will remain open through April 30th.  Registration will be limited and done on a first come first serve basis.  Additional programs will be offered in the future.

If you are a teen whose parents who have divorce, no matter what stage of healing you are at, please register for our group today.  If you know of teens who could benefit from this program, please forward this information to them.

To find out more information about our groups, click on one of the following links:

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This article from First Wives World is directed towards moms with advice on how to help their children work through their issues related to the divorce.  I appreciate this article because is does not take the “your kids will happy” route that so many article aimed at parents seem to take.  Instead, it presents a realistic look at what divorce might be like for your kids.  Indeed the opening paragraph contains a stark reminder for parents:

Remember, it is not your job to make your children feel cheerful about the divorce, or to convince them that the divorce was a wise decision. Just listening to your child’s complaints means a great deal.

The article provides a cursory look at three common ways kids are hurt in the divorce process:

1. Loss of the everyday.
2. Loss of parents as they used to be.
3. Loss of material things

Part two of this important series offers mom’s some insights into signs that their kids are hurting from the divorce including things like selfishness, lack of ambition and anger.

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This article from Helpguide.org provides tons of advice for parents on helping their kids to cope with separation and divorce.  The article starts with this sobering advice for parents:

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope.

The article starts with advice about how to tell the kids if you have decided to get a divorce. (For more information see our thorough treatment of the subject at How Should I Tell My Kids We’re Getting a Divorce?).  From there the article covers some major things parents can do to help kids following a divorce.  They include:

• Listen and Reassure
• Providing Stability and Structure
• Taking Care of Yourself
• Working With Your Ex
• Knowing When to Seek Help

Obviously, one article can’t tell you everything you need to know in order to help your child with this major event their life, but this is a solid and thorough article packed full of useful advice.

LINK: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

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Divorce is hard on kids, and it takes time for children to adjust to the divorce of their parents.  The fact is, they may never fully adjust.  However, equally stressful to children of divorce can be when their parents begin to date and especially if they remarry.  Many stepparents have faced the battle of trying to relate to, and form a relationship with, their stepkids.  This article from HuffPost asked several “experts” in the field for their advice on how stepparents can “create a healthy, unhurried relationship with their stepkids.”

LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/26/stepparent-advice-how-to_n_2951878.html

When your parents get divorced, there are plenty of things that can make you feel anxious or afraid.  Here are some of things that children of divorce have told us they were afraid of or anxious about:

• Moving to a new house or neighborhood
• Changing schools
• No longer getting to see one parent
• Being left all alone
• Losing grandparents, aunts & uncles or other family members
• That the remaining parent may also leave
• Having enough money
• Loss of family rituals and traditions
• Not knowing where they will live
• That their parents will stop loving them too
• Parents dating and getting remarried
• Loss of family
• Being blamed for the divorce
• Having to take sides between parents
• Disappointing one or both parents
• Losing friends
• People talking about them or their family
• Being put in the middle between parents
• Not getting to be a kid anymore
• Losing stuff as they move from one place to another
• Having to take on additional responsibilities like taking care of younger siblings
• Whether or not their own relationships and marriages are doomed to fail

These are just some things that children of divorce may fear or be anxious about.  These fears and anxiety can come and go as time passes.  Which items from the list apply to you and your situation?

Anxiety and fear are often caused by a lack of information or a plan. In other words, fear often results from gaps – gaps in information, gaps in understanding and gaps in ability.  Closing those gaps can help to alleviate some of those fears.  One easy to remember method for dealing with your fears and anxieties is known as the “GAP Method.”

The letters in “Gap” spell out the basic steps in the GAP Method which are:

    Gather Information,

    Assess the Odds; and

    Play to Your Strengths.

By using this method, you can help yourself to get over those fears and anxieties and focus your efforts and emotions on more positive things.  Let’s look at each step a little bit closer.

GATHER INFORMATION

The biggest thing that feeds many of our fears is the unknown.  When we don’t know what is going on or what is going to happen, we don’t feel like we have any control over the situation, and this leads to increased feelings of fear and anxiety.  So, the first step in overcoming fears is to gather information.  Do some research about the things that scare you.  If your biggest fear is having to move to a new neighborhood or school, find out all the information you can about that neighborhood.  Where is it?  What it is like?  Do you have any friends who live in that neighborhood already?  What is the new school like?  Does it have the same extracurricular activities that you’re currently in?  If your biggest fear has to do with not getting to see one of your parents, gather information on that.  What visitation schedule has the judge decided on?  What is your parents’ plan for making sure that you can see both of them?  What other options are available to stay in contact?  Talk to your parents about these question.  There is an old saying that, “knowledge is power,” and in this case knowledge holds the power to squash your fears.

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