If you ever wonder if it’s ok to love both of your parents after a divorce or separation, the answer to this question is simple:

YES

You absolutely have the right to love both of your parents no matter what happened in their relationship with one another.

Sometimes the fact that you love one parent might make things uncomfortable for the other parent, and other times you might feel like the fact that you love your Dad makes your Mom mad or vice-versa.  Unfortunately, you might be right. Especially when parents have gotten a divorce, one or both parents may harbor resentment and anger towards the other parent.  They might even try to influence you to feel the same way they do about your other parent.  What they are doing isn’t fair to you, but it is likely the result of the frustration and stress that they are feeling.  Unfortunately, parents are human beings too, and even parents make mistakes.

One fundamental right that every child from a divorced or separated home should have is the freedom to love both parents.  If you are in a situation where one parent is making that hard or uncomfortable, there are some things you can do to try to make the situation better:

1. Remember that they are still your parents, and even though they might not be right about this situation, you need to show them respect.  They might not deserve it, but that shouldn’t keep you from showing it.
2. Talk to the parent who you feel is hindering your ability to love the other parent and tell them how you are feeling.  Explain, as specifically as possible, what they are doing that makes you feel like they don’t want you to love the other parent.
3. Explain in a calm and respectful way that you did not choose, nor did you have a say in, what happened between your parents and you shouldn’t be asked to picked sides or favor one parent over the other.
4. If one parent starts to blame the other parent for what has happened to your family, remind that parent that you aren’t happy about what has happened either but that doesn’t mean that you don’t still love your mom or dad.  Remind them that they still love you even when you make mistakes and you feel the same way about them.
5. Reassure your parent that just because you love your other parent doesn’t mean that you love them any less.  Remember that your parents are probably hurting too, and you can reassure them by showing love to them as well.

I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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Divorce is hard.  When your parents split up (either by divorce or moving out or whatever your circumstance might be) you will face all kinds of challenges and new and intense emotions.  The worse thing you can do is try to deal with it all yourself.  This is now a burden that you brought upon yourself, and you shouldn’t have to deal with the fall out all by yourself either.

So, who should you turn to?  In most tough situations in life, people will suggest that you turn to your parents, and in the midst of a divorce or separation it is important that you keep talking to them.  Unfortunately, many times parents are not really available to help.  They’re with too busy with their own lives or emotionally unavailable because of what they are going through in terms of the separation.  Even if your parents are trying their hardest, there is a good chance that turning to them to share your emotions and frustrations isn’t really an option.

So, what about your friends?  Chances are that you have friends who have also been through the separation of their parents.  These friends can be a valuable resource for information or comfort or just a listening ear.  A good friend can be a lifeline of sorts when you are dealing with tough times, and you are lucky if you have a friend like that.  Many do not, or you are too embarrassed or reluctant to share all the intimate details of what’s going on in your family life.  Or maybe you do have a friend like that, and it’s great to be able to talk to them, but they’re not particularly good about giving advice.

Perhaps you could try talking to a trusted adult or relative?  If you can find an adult whom you trust to talk to and share what you’re going through with, that is an amazing gift.  Many children of divorce have been helped immeasurably by an aunt and uncle, grandparent or family friend.  Sometimes, though, people are reluctant to talk to you because they don’t want to be seen as taking sides or because they just don’t know what to say.  You may need to pick an adult that you trust and ask them if it would be ok if you talk to them about what’s been going on in your life.

There are other options that may be even easier.  There are groups available that will help you to process the emotions you are feeling and the things you are living through.  Many of these groups bring together other people in similar experience along with someone to help lead the group to provide tools and insight into what you are going through.  Such groups can help you to move from the pain and turmoil that you may currently be feeling to hope and healing.  Look for a The Big D: Divorce Through the Eyes of a Teenager group in your area and sign up.  If you don’t have a local group, or you prefer something a little different than a face-to-face group, we offer free online support groups for teens here on I Am A Child of Divorce.  This 16 week program is conducted entirely online and will provide you with tools and advice on how to deal with your parents divorce/separation by engaging with a group of other teens in similar situations and an adult facilitator who is there to help.

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Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/16/daddyless-daughters-promiscuity-self-mutilation_n_3600946.html?ref=politics&ir=Divorce

Fatherlessness is an epidemic in our world today. Too frequently, daughters who never knew their father or lose their fathers to divorce turn to a string of men to try to fill that void in their lives.  In this article, they discuss how this promiscuity is actually a form of self-mutilation.  Make sure to watch the video that goes along with the article. [sc:article]

I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

Continue reading

Teen Between is a resource out of Ireland designed to help teens from divorcing families and to help parents and schools to help teens through the divorce process.  Teen Between offers in person counseling services all around the country of Ireland.  They also have an amazing website for teens dealing with the separation or divorce of their parents.

In the teen section, you will find articles and advice on how to deal with:

• Finding Out
• Being Stuck in the Middle
• Coping With Change
• Accepting the Decision
• Moving On

Many of the sections include specific tips and links to stories from other teens who have been through the divorce of their parents.  The teen section also includes a quiz which will give you insights into how you communicate when you are angry.

In addition to great information for teens, the site offers information and advice for parents on: Continue reading

If you are wondering if your parents’ divorce or separation is your fault, you are not alone.  Most children of divorce at some point believe that their parents’ split up had something to do with them.  Maybe you think if you had behaved better they would still be together.  Perhaps you wonder if you weren’t involved in so many extra-curricular activities if they wouldn’t fight so much and would still be together.  Maybe something happened on the day your parents told you about the split, and you’re convinced that what you did that day caused them to split up.  Regardless of why you think you caused your parents’ divorce, there is one thing that you need to know for certain:

CHILDREN DO NOT CAUSE DIVORCES, ADULTS DO!

In other words:

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

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Anger is a very common reaction in children whose parents have separated or divorced.  When you do not deal with your anger, it can become very destructive, and when you let it out in the wrong way, you can hurt yourself or someone else or find yourself in trouble.  In the past, you may have had people tell you that you need to slow down and pause when you get angry.  That’s probably good advice, but today we are going to look at a way to deal with anger that involves speeding up.  When you get angry remember to win the RACE against anger with this four step plan:

STEP #1: RECONGNIZE YOUR ANGER

The first step in addressing your anger is to recognize when you are angry.  Pay attention to what your body feel like when you get angry.  Do your shoulders tense up?  What does your face look like when you’re angry?  How do you feel deep in your stomach when you’re angry?  You might want to use the anger page from our My Feelings Workbook to help you understand how your body reacts to anger.  Other things you will want to keep track are the things that make you angry and how angry you get.  You can use the Anger-ometer to keep track of this for a week to note patterns in your anger.  By understanding your anger, you will be in a better position to deal with it.

STEP #2: ADDRESS YOUR ANGER

It is important that you address any anger that you may be feeling.  It is easy to just write off your anger or to bury it deep inside.  Both of these options will lead to long term problems.  Anger which is not dealt with will only fester and grow until it eventually comes out.  Anger buried deep inside and not dealt with is like a volcano just waiting to erupt.

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Following the divorce or separation of your parents, your relationship with them may feel distant or strained.  It may be the case that you have been angry with them and have intentionally avoided them causing your relationship to suffer.  They might be busy with adjusting to a new life away from your other parent and not be spending time with you.  You may both be avoiding one another because you don’t know what to say, or maybe you’re afraid that you’ll hurt your parents’ feelings if you tell them what you’re really thinking.

Whether you admit it or not, most children instinctively desire to protect their parents.  No matter how wrong you might think they were to get divorced in the first place, you may be reluctant to share the emotions and troubles you have for fear of making things worse for them.

On the other hand, if your parents are divorced or separated, you are likely experiencing some emotions you have never felt before or never felt quite this intensely.  Many of the articles and resources on this site are designed to help you process those emotions and understand and deal with them better. 

That said, you still need someone to talk to about your emotions.  Just the process of naming your emotions and talking about your struggles is an important first step in overcoming them.  The person you talk to may be a friend or a trusted adult, but sometimes the person you really need to talk to is your parent.  It may be scary or uncomfortable, but in the long-term you will both benefit from having the conversation.

Here are some guidelines for how to talk to your parents about emotions or other things that may be bothering you:

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If your parents are separated or divorced, you may have a lot of spiritual questions about God and faith and the church.  Many times when parents get divorced, kids begin to wonder about why they even exist and sometimes that leads to tough questions about God and faith.  Here at I Am A Child of Divorce, we want to help you as you search through and struggle with many of those questions.  So, we have created a section for “Questions About Spiritual Stuff” that will address these question.

We recognize that discussions about God can be very polarizing and controversial, but the fact of the matter is that God can help you heal after your parents divorce and provide hope.  To ignore that may avoid some controversy, but it would not be fair to you (as someone whose parents divorced) to ignore the issue all together.

Our goal in tackling spiritual issues is to be as honest and as forthright as we know how to be.  If you don’t feel like these particular questions or issues apply to you, please just ignore them and continue to utilize the rest of I Am A Child of Divorce to help yourself in whatever way possible.  However, if you do have questions about God and Faith, we hope that these answers will help you to sort through those issues.

Even if you do not believe in God, or feel like you don’t need faith, I would encourage you to at least read through these questions and answers.  While the principal issues addressed are indeed about God and Faith, they also deal with the broader issues of meaning and existence.  Regardless of what you believe, these are issues that we all have to face and divorce sometimes forces us to face them earlier than we would like.

So, stay tuned to this section as we intend to tackle questions like: Continue reading