Divorce brings with it all kinds of different emotions.  If your parents are divorced, you already know that.  Sometimes you will be sad, sometimes angry, sometimes lonely, and sometimes many other different emotions.  But, is it ok to be happy?  Shouldn’t you be upset and sad following your parents’ divorce? …at least for a little while?

Some kids are happy following their parents divorce, and that is ok!  Maybe your parents fought a lot.  That can be very stressful to you as their child, and maybe you are happy that you just don’t have to listen to it anymore.  Maybe your Dad pays more attention to you when you spend time together after the divorce than he ever did before.  That can definitely make you happy.  Maybe you’ve had to move or something else that you view your life like a big adventure, and going on that adventure makes you happy.  It doesn’t matter what it is that makes you happy, the important thing to remember is that it is perfectly acceptable for you to be happy following your parents’ divorce.  And, no one should tell you otherwise.

When you are happy, enjoy it!  Even if you are generally happy with the divorce, there will likely be times when that fades and you’re not so happy anymore.  That’s ok too.  Sometimes we are  happy, and sometimes we are not – that doesn’t change after a divorce.  The important thing is that we understand that however we feel, that’s ok.  It is also important to recognize how we feel and find someone we trust to talk to about it.  So, if you’re happy go find something fun to do and enjoy being happy.  There is plenty of time for other emotions at a later time.

The teen years can be a particularly hard time for children to experience the divorce of their parents.  This article from Risa Garcon explains why and offers some practical advice to both parents and teens.

LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/risa-garon/adolescence-and-divorce-h_b_2728668.html

Divorce brings all kinds of changes into your life.  Some changes are obvious.  You no longer live in the same house with both your mom and your dad.  Maybe you spend most of your time at one parents’ house and visit the other parents’ house every other weekend, or maybe you split your week between two houses.  Sometimes one parent moves far away and most of your contact with them will be by phone or e-mail.  In some cases, children of divorce don’t see one of their parents very often or at all.  There are many other potential changes.  You might have moved out of your house following the divorce and live in a brand new house or apartment.  Maybe you go to a brand new school or you’re in a living in a new neighborhood or going to a new church.

Some changes in your life are not obvious.  Other people probably don’t even notice these types of changes in your life at all, but you probably do.  Maybe your family had a special Christmas tradition before the divorce that you no longer get to do.  Perhaps you used to sit down every Saturday morning as a family for a pancake breakfast with dad that doesn’t happen anymore since the divorce.  Maybe it’s as simple as missing how Dad used to stop by your bedroom door every night and tell you “Sweet Dreams” as you were drifting off to sleep.  All of these little things may not seem important by themselves, but they form an important part of what we see as “normal.”  We call these little things that you’ve gotten used to rituals and routines and they define what “normal” is to us.

One important things that you can do after a divorce to help things get back to “normal” is to come up with some new rituals and routines to engage in with your family.  They may not be the same rituals and routines from before the divorce, but they can be just as fun and with time they will become just as important to you.  You’ll need to come up with some rituals and routines that work for you and you family, but here are some suggestions:

• If you live with your Mom, perhaps you and your Dad can exchange “good night” text messages every evening.

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This article from the TeensHealth portion of KidHealth.org helps teens with various issues related to the divorce of parents.  It is packed with useful tips and information for teens going through the divorce of their parents.  It covers topics including:

• Why are my parents divorcing?
• Dealing with guilt and other emotions.
• Life changes that come with divorce.
• Ideas for making the divorce process easier.
• Possible positive things that can come from divorce.

LINK: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/divorce.html

Sometimes when parents talk to kids about things like divorce, they forget that you might not know what a divorce even is.  Or, you might think you know what divorce is all about, but not really understand what it means when your parents get divorced.  That’s ok, but it is helpful to know what a divorce really is when you hear the word used – especially if you are right in the middle of your parents’ divorce.

The word “divorce” is a legal term (something used by lawyers and judges) for when one or both people who are married choose to no longer be married to one another and end up no longer living together.  They sign some legal papers that say that they are single again and free to marry someone else if they choose to do that. Although your day-to-day living arrangements might change, divorce does not in any way change either of your parents’ relationships with you.  Even though your parents are no longer wife and husband, they are still your mom and dad.

Because divorce is a legal proceeding, the people involved (your mom and dad) usually have lawyers or attorneys to explain the laws to them and speak for them in court.  If your parents are getting divorced, you may have to speak to the lawyer for one or both of your parents.  In some cases (especially where parents are having a really hard time getting along), a special lawyer or person is appointed for the child to represent their interests during the divorce.  This person is appointed by the court and are often called a Guardian Ad Litem.  In some places, they are called Court Appointed Special Advocates.

The purpose of the divorce proceeding (including all the meetings and court appearances) is to determine how to split up the assets (all the stuff your parents own) and the custody of any children (how much time you will spend with each parent and when).

Some divorces end up in a court room before a judge who will make decisions about how your parents’ divorce will work including issues related to where you will stay.  If your parents can work out the details of their separation together with their attorneys before going to court, that is called a settlement.

Resisting change is a natural part of being human. For teenagers that resistance is compounded by a tendency to test boundaries and rock the status quo. Divorce or separation naturally makes all children feel powerless over their circumstances. For teens, who are feeling their oats and less likely to listen to parental authority, this is especially hard to accept.

Thus writes Rosalind Sedaca in this important article about why divorce is hard on teenagers.

LINK: http://articles.pubarticles.com/divorce-is-tough-even-tougher-on-teens-1303968010,161534.html

When your parents divorce, you entire world changes.  Many times, you are find out or are given information about one parent or the other which impacts your view of them.  Perhaps one of your parents made bad decisions which and betrayed the trust of your other parent causing the divorce.  Sometimes, your parents’ actions will cause you pain. You may even feel like between you and your parent, you are the one acting like the adult these days.  Given all of that, how can you continue to respect or honor your parents?

It is important to separate the the person from the position in your effort to respect and honor both of your parents.  Despite the actions of your parents, they have been put in your life and given the position of parent.  You can respect and honor that position regardless of the acts of the individuals in those positions.  Put another way, even though you’re your mother’s actions have left your father depressed and despondent, you can still respect her role as mother when it comes to setting rules and boundaries.

Keep in mind that respect is a choice you make.  Oftentimes in our society, you will hear that “respect is earned.” This is not true. Respect is given. Respect is a choice.  It is a choice to honor and respect a person regardless of your feelings towards them.  You choose to treat a person a certain way whether they deserve it or not because you know that it is the right thing to do.  Respect is not, and can not, be granted on a “quid pro quo” basis.  You don’t choose to respect your parents because they respect you or because they treat you the way you feel you should be treated.  You respect them because YOU make the choice to do so regardless of their actions.

Keep in mind that respect does not always mean affirming the actions of, or agreeing with the stance of, your parent.  If one of your parents is making destructive choices, or worse yet encouraging you to do the same, the most respectful thing you can sometimes do is turn away for a time or a season.  If your father’s house is unsafe, honor and respect does not demand that you stay there.  If your mother and father can not get along in the same room, honor does not dictate that you subject yourself to that drama on your graduation or wedding day.

Sometimes, respecting and honoring your parents has to start with forgiveness.  Quit holding on to the bitterness that you are feeling, and choose to forgive your parent.  You will not be able to honor or respect them so long as you are harboring resentment towards them.  It will not be easy, but choosing to honor and respect your parents can free you up emotionally and start you down the road of healing.

Too many times people think that divorce doesn’t have much of an impact on teens and young adults.  This article from The Independent contradicts that notion.

LINK: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/teens-and-divorce-the-kids-are-not-all-right-8490601.html

I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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Your parents would not have gotten a divorce if their relationship had not been strained in the first place.  In addition, divorce is a hard and stressful time, and many parents come out of a divorce with even more bitter feelings towards one another.  They should understand and appreciate that the other parent is still your parent and still important to you, but sometimes they mess up, forget that or ignore that fact and say things they shouldn’t say either to you or in front of you.

When your parents say bad things about one another, there are a few different things you should try to make the situation better.

1. Remember that there are two sides to every story, and often when we tell stories or talk about other people we are biased by our emotions and circumstances. Make your own judgments about your parents based on your own knowledge and not based on second-hand stories or comments from one parent.
2. Talk to your parents about the situation.  Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your other parent but that you still love them both and won’t pick one over the other.  Let them know that it hurts you to hear them saying negative things about the other parent.  Try to do this in a respectful way, but make it clear that your parent’s actions are hurting you as well, and ask them to stop talking badly about the other parent.  Hopefully this will be enough to get them to stop bad mouthing your other parent.
3. If it is too difficult to have a conversation with your parent, write them a letter explaining the situation and asking them to stop.
4. If you communicate with your parents and they continue to bad mouth the other parent, make a point of removing yourself from the situation next time one parent starts to speak negatively about the other.  It is not healthy for you to continue to listen to it.
5. Remember that parents make mistakes too.  Try to forgive them even when they don’t ask for forgiveness.

Remember, no matter what one parent may say, you have the right to love both of your parents and have both of them in your life. Sometimes when one parent says something bad about the other, it is almost as if they are saying that thing about you. After all, you are one-half of each of your parents. Try not to take what your parents say personally, and remember that their words do not define who you are as a person or an individual. You are not defined by their choices or actions.