Breathing, physical activity and talking about it are great ways to help deal with anger or stress. That said, sometimes when anger or stress builds up inside, you just want to scream. Handled correctly, this can be a therapeutic way to vent some of that frustration (though we would still encourage you to find someone you trust afterwards to talk to about it). Screaming however is not always socially acceptable. Maybe you’re in a public place where screaming would cause alarm or perhaps your parent just doesn’t get it or takes it personally when you you let anger out by screaming. What should you do then? That’s where the Scream Box comes in handy.
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
One of the questions that comes up more than any other after parents separate is, what do I do if I don’t like the person my parent is dating? You can find some ideas here, here and here if you find yourself in that situation.
But, what if that person your Mom or Dad is still with is the person that caused the break up of your parents in the first place. Maybe the guy your Mom is with is the guy she cheated on your Dad with. Maybe your Dad’s new girlfriend is the woman he left your mom for in the first place. Maybe both of your parents are dating (or remarried to) the person they left your other parent for. How do you deal with that?
Let’s start by acknowledging the pain and the hurt that this situation causes. When your parents split up, it hurts! When you’re left to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out how to move on with life, it causes pain, confusion, stress and so much more. The loss of your family (as you knew it) hurts, and it is a loss that must be grieved.
When one (or both) of your parents cheats on the other and then leaves to be with the person they cheated with, the hurt and the pain can be that much worse. It is natural to feel betrayed, angry, confused or even abandoned. And, when your parent has a new person in their life, it oftentimes feels like they’re spending all of their time with that person and ignoring you when you need them the most. When that person is the one who “caused” the split, that feeling of being ignored or abandoned is even more intense. On top of all that, many times your parent will expect or pressure you to accept the new person in their life when that is the last thing on earth you want to do! So, what can you do about all that and how do you handle the situation? Here are a couple of suggestions:
Talk to your mom or dad about how you are feeling. Let them know that while you understand they want you to accept this new person, you are having trouble forgiving them or making peace with them because of the role they played. Be respectful and understand that this conversation will be difficult for your parent (as well as you). That said, getting things out in the open may help you both of you to understand better where the other one is coming from. If your conversations always end in yelling and screaming, consider writing your parent a letter. Remember, this is about sharing what you’re going through not bad mouthing or attacking anybody.
Find a trusted adult that you can talk to about what is going on and your feelings about this new person in your parent’s life. The worse thing you can do is to keep those feelings bottled up inside and/or act out in destructive ways instead of dealing with those emotions.
Accept the fact that you are not required to hate the new person in your parents’ life. It may feel like betraying your other parent to give this person a chance, but it’s not. Chances are there was more to your parents splitting up than just this person. How would you feel about them if you had met under different circumstances?
Practice forgiveness. It’s not always easy to forgive, and it might take you some time, but try to forgive your parent (and this new person) for what they’ve done and the pain they’ve caused you. Holding on to anger and hatred has little impact on them, but it will eat you up inside. Make the decision to forgive even if you don’t feel like it then work at it until the feelings match the decision (this may take a while, but it’s worth the journey).
Start a journal. Write down all those things you want to say but know that you can’t (or shouldn’t). Something about writing those things out helps to smooth the pain a little bit.
Look for the good, and choose to focus on that. There is generally some good in people who make bad choices and even in people that you can’t stand. What is good about this new person that you don’t like? Do you share any common interests or hobbies? Focus on those things rather than dwelling on the bad things. You don’t have to forget, and you don’t have to be buddy buddy, but choose to focus on the positive things for your own sake.
Avoid conflict. Where possible, try to avoid unnecessary conflict with your parent and with their new partner. Discussion is good because it seeks resolution. Conflict only seeks to impose one another’s views on each other. As much as you might like to, you can’t change your parent and you can’t change your parent’s new partner. You can change how you choose to respond. Respond in such a way that chooses to avoid conflict rather than pouring fuel on the fire.
Guard your heart. It’s easy to take on all of the pain, frustration, hatred and anger your parents are experiencing (or one parent is experiencing) as the result of a separation. You can be there for your parents without taking all of that on yourself. It’s not your responsibility, and frankly it’s not your place. Refuse to be a party to your parents’ conversations if they’re bad-mouthing one another, sharing details that you don’t really want or bad-mouthing your other parent’s new partner. Remind them that they are both your parents and you still love them both.
Finally, remember that just because one person lied to you or violated your trust, it doesn’t mean that all people will. Don’t let your current circumstances color your view of all people. This will be particularly important as you start to develop new relationships and move forward with your life.
There are thousands of kids whose parents get divorced every week. Add to that the number of kids whose parents split up even though they were never married, and you wouldn’t think it would be too hard to find people who are dealing with similar experiences. Despite all that, many times when our parents split up we feel like the only one in the world going through it. It seems like there is no where to turn and no one to talk to.
That’s one of the reasons we created I Am A Child of Divorce – so kids and teens whose parents are split up would have a place they could go to find information and other people who have at least some idea what you are going through. To do that, we’ve created all kinds of ways for you to connect and to begin to heal from your parents’ split. We want to bring some of those ways to your attention. Some are new resources, some have been totally redone to meet your needs better, and some have been around from day one. Regardless, here are a few ways you can connect with others and get help as you deal with the fall out from your parents’ split:
1. Online Support Group for Teens: We recently totally rewrote our online support group for teens to make them more accessible to you and allow you to work at your own pace. The teen support group consists of four zone, each with five modules, that tackle the issues and emotions faced by teens after their parents divorce/separate. Each module offers a variety of ways to dig deeper into what’s going on and move towards healing. Each module includes a self-guided interview, videos, a continuing narrative and resources. You can take advantage of as many or as few of these options for each module as you’d like (though we do strongly recommend that you at least complete the self-guided interview). In addition to these options, we have a confidential chat session in a private chat room every other week for people in the group. These sessions generally cover two modules but are flexible enough to cover just about anything you need to talk about. Each online session is led by a facilitator who serves to keep the conversation moving.
2. Confidential Facebook Group: Facebook may be that thing you stopped using once your parents got an account, but it still has some useful features, and we’re using one of them to help connect directly with you and create connections with others who have walked, and are walking, the same path. We created a brand new confidential Facebook group for teens and young adults whose parents are split up. In this group you can ask questions, share your stories, seek advice and even help other people out in responding to their questions. This group is private so only members of the group can see what you post, and we ask that all members keep things confidential in order to encourage people to be open and honest with what they are going through. You have to request membership, but once you’re in you can post and comment as much and whenever you’d like.
3. Ask Us: This is probably one of the neatest and most underused tools here on I Am A Child of Divorce. Anyone with an e-mail address can ask a question about whatever is on your mind or your heart, and one of our experts will get back to you with a personalized reply. If you are a member of I Am A Child of Divorce and you are logged in to the site, your questions are also password protected. Otherwise, just use the same e-maill address and you can access your old questions and our answers.
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
If your parents are separated or divorced, there is no doubt that you have experienced times of sadness. If left unchecked, that sadness can easily grow into depression, and depression which is not dealt with can sometimes lead people to think about, plan or even attempt to take their own life (suicide). If you are considering suicide, please know that no matter how hopeless things might seem right now, they will get better eventually. And, no matter how much it might seem like no one really cares, someone cares about you because those of here at I Am A Child of Divorce care about you. We are so sorry that you are dealing with so much pain in your life that you have reached this point, and we want to do anything we can to help you.
If you are thinking about suicide, please take the following steps:
Call a suicide prevention hotline to talk to someone. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) will connect you with a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area anytime of day. You can also find an online chat feature at their website which is available from 2:00 PM to 2:00 AM Eastern Standard Time every day. Outside of the United States, check out the International Suicide Hotlines page at Suicide.org for a list of hotlines by country.
Find a trusted adult that you can talk to. If you’re not comfortable talking to someone in your family, talk to someone from church, a teacher at school, a family friend or some other trusted adult. Let them know that you are hurting so much that you’ve thought about taking your own life.
Seek professional help, a counselor or therapist can help you to work through the pain you are experiencing. They can’t change your circumstances, but they can help
If you feel like you may actually attempt suicide, try not to be alone. Having someone with you can reduce the possibility of any impulsive actions.
Stay away from anything that you might consider using to hurt yourself.
If none of these options work for you, call 9-1-1 or check yourself into your local emergency room.
Emotion wheels can be great tools for helping you to figure out what your feeling, introduce you to new emotions and help you to figure out what emotions might be underlying why you’re feeling.
This first wheel was created by Dr. Gloria Wilcox who is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in St Petersburg, Florida. It is a great tool for identifying emotions you might be feeling following the dissolution of your parents’ relationship. Emotions are grouped into six broad categories including Sad, Mad, Scared, Peaceful, Joyful and Powerful.
This second wheel is not quite as colorful but includes even more emotion words to broaden your emotion vocabulary. We found it originally on http://makalaonlife.tumblr.com.
Breathing, physical activity and talking about it are great ways to help deal with anger or stress. That said, sometimes when anger or stress builds up inside, you just want to scream. Handled correctly, this can be a therapeutic way to vent some of that frustration (though we would still encourage you to find someone you trust afterwards to talk to about it). Screaming however is not always socially acceptable. Maybe you’re in a public place where screaming would cause alarm or perhaps your parent just doesn’t get it or takes it personally when you you let anger out by screaming. What should you do then? That’s where the Scream Box comes in handy.
In an earlier article, we looked at why it is so important to forgive people who have hurt us:
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of 
One of the questions that comes up more than any other after parents separate is, what do I do if I don’t like the person my parent is dating? You can find some ideas 
