If you ever wonder if it’s ok to love both of your parents after a divorce or separation, the answer to this question is simple:
YES
You absolutely have the right to love both of your parents no matter what happened in their relationship with one another.
Sometimes the fact that you love one parent might make things uncomfortable for the other parent, and other times you might feel like the fact that you love your Dad makes your Mom mad or vice-versa. Unfortunately, you might be right. Especially when parents have gotten a divorce, one or both parents may harbor resentment and anger towards the other parent. They might even try to influence you to feel the same way they do about your other parent. What they are doing isn’t fair to you, but it is likely the result of the frustration and stress that they are feeling. Unfortunately, parents are human beings too, and even parents make mistakes.
One fundamental right that every child from a divorced or separated home should have is the freedom to love both parents. If you are in a situation where one parent is making that hard or uncomfortable, there are some things you can do to try to make the situation better:
- Remember that they are still your parents, and even though they might not be right about this situation, you need to show them respect. They might not deserve it, but that shouldn’t keep you from showing it.
- Talk to the parent who you feel is hindering your ability to love the other parent and tell them how you are feeling. Explain, as specifically as possible, what they are doing that makes you feel like they don’t want you to love the other parent.
- Explain in a calm and respectful way that you did not choose, nor did you have a say in, what happened between your parents and you shouldn’t be asked to picked sides or favor one parent over the other.
- If one parent starts to blame the other parent for what has happened to your family, remind that parent that you aren’t happy about what has happened either but that doesn’t mean that you don’t still love your mom or dad. Remind them that they still love you even when you make mistakes and you feel the same way about them.
- Reassure your parent that just because you love your other parent doesn’t mean that you love them any less. Remember that your parents are probably hurting too, and you can reassure them by showing love to them as well.
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.
You may have noticed that we are now offering advertising space on I Am A Child of Divorce. As this marks a change in how we have done things in this past, it seemed appropriate to take a second to explain why we are now offering advertising space on the site.
Why Advertising?
I Am A Child of Divorce is a labor of love. No one associated with the site is paid for their work on the site. All time and resources to this point have been donated to the site in order to keep it up and running. As the site has grown, more resources are required to keep it running smoothly. Particularly as our support groups grow, we will need bigger and faster servers in order to run those groups. The advertisements on this site will help to subsidize those expenses.
What types of advertising?
Honestly, we are not sure who will request to advertise on this site. We will take steps to ensure, however, that no products which support divorce itself advertise on the site. You won’t see adds for lawyers, etc. It is possible that people who seek to make the process easier for children of divorce or single parents might advertise on the site. We believe that this is consistent with our mission and will consider these on a case by case basis. We love our advertisers because they will help to ensure the continuity of I Am A Child of Divorce. However, we believe that our first responsibility lies with the users of this site, and we will keep that in mind in approving advertisers.
Divorce is hard. When your parents split up (either by divorce or moving out or whatever your circumstance might be) you will face all kinds of challenges and new and intense emotions. The worse thing you can do is try to deal with it all yourself. This is now a burden that you brought upon yourself, and you shouldn’t have to deal with the fall out all by yourself either.
So, who should you turn to? In most tough situations in life, people will suggest that you turn to your parents, and in the midst of a divorce or separation it is important that you keep talking to them. Unfortunately, many times parents are not really available to help. They’re with too busy with their own lives or emotionally unavailable because of what they are going through in terms of the separation. Even if your parents are trying their hardest, there is a good chance that turning to them to share your emotions and frustrations isn’t really an option.
So, what about your friends? Chances are that you have friends who have also been through the separation of their parents. These friends can be a valuable resource for information or comfort or just a listening ear. A good friend can be a lifeline of sorts when you are dealing with tough times, and you are lucky if you have a friend like that. Many do not, or you are too embarrassed or reluctant to share all the intimate details of what’s going on in your family life. Or maybe you do have a friend like that, and it’s great to be able to talk to them, but they’re not particularly good about giving advice.
Perhaps you could try talking to a trusted adult or relative? If you can find an adult whom you trust to talk to and share what you’re going through with, that is an amazing gift. Many children of divorce have been helped immeasurably by an aunt and uncle, grandparent or family friend. Sometimes, though, people are reluctant to talk to you because they don’t want to be seen as taking sides or because they just don’t know what to say. You may need to pick an adult that you trust and ask them if it would be ok if you talk to them about what’s been going on in your life.
There are other options that may be even easier. There are groups available that will help you to process the emotions you are feeling and the things you are living through. Many of these groups bring together other people in similar experience along with someone to help lead the group to provide tools and insight into what you are going through. Such groups can help you to move from the pain and turmoil that you may currently be feeling to hope and healing. Look for a The Big D: Divorce Through the Eyes of a Teenager group in your area and sign up. If you don’t have a local group, or you prefer something a little different than a face-to-face group, we offer free online support groups for teens here on I Am A Child of Divorce. This 16 week program is conducted entirely online and will provide you with tools and advice on how to deal with your parents divorce/separation by engaging with a group of other teens in similar situations and an adult facilitator who is there to help.
Fatherlessness is an epidemic in our world today. Too frequently, daughters who never knew their father or lose their fathers to divorce turn to a string of men to try to fill that void in their lives. In this article, they discuss how this promiscuity is actually a form of self-mutilation. Make sure to watch the video that goes along with the article. [sc:article]
Registration is now open for our online teen support group scheduled to begin in early August 2013.
This 16 week course is conducted entirely online with the help of a facilitator who review materials and coordinates the weekly online chat sessions. Each week, we will tackle one are of interest to teens whose parents have separated or divorced. This new program is entirely free and is designed to help teens find hope and healing as they navigate the complexity of their changing family. We will cover topics including:
- Sharing Your Story
- The Basics of Divorce
- Drowning In Emotions
- What Is Grief?
- Dealing With Anger
- Feelings of Guilt
- Overwhelmed By Stress
- They’re Still Your Parents
- All About Change
- Stuff I Hate
- Siblings and Responsibilities
- Avoiding Destructive Behaviors
- Money! Money! Money!
- The Rest of My Life
- God and Divorce
- Moving Forward
For more information on our groups, please visit our Groups Page where you will find a link to Register, a video with information about the program and a flier you can use to help us promote the group. You can also find a link to the complete schedule for the August class on that page. Make sure you register today as spaces are limited and are available on a first come first serve basis.
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.
