When parents get a divorce, there are a ton of changes that happen.  Sometimes one parent moves out and you visit them occasionally.  Sometimes both parents may need to move.  Sometimes you continue to see both of your parents regularly.  Sometimes you don’t.  In some divorces, the children even stay in the same house while the parents move in and out depending on who the custody agreement.  Every divorce is different.

Sometimes, children of divorce wonder if they even still belong to a family.  When you travel back and forth between two homes, it sometimes feels like you don’t fully belong in either place.  Are the people in one of those homes your family while the others are not?  Maybe it’s just you and your siblings and one parent.  Is that still a family?  Maybe you live with your grandparents or aunt and uncle since the divorce.  Are they part of your family?  Are your parents still part of your family?  Maybe your mom is remarried.  Are your stepdad and stepsiblings part of your family?  Maybe your Dad divorced your stepmom.  Is she still part of your family?  It can all get really confusing following a divorce.

It all comes down to one questions – What is a family? The fact is that, while living arrangements might change following a divorce, who makes up your family does not.  Your family still consists of your mother and father and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles and anybody else who was part of your family before the divorce – whether you still live in the same house or not.  The one change that you may experience, in time, is the addition of new family members.  If your parents get remarried or have additional children following a divorce, you will have new people in your family.  Sometimes that is hard to get used to, and sometimes it takes a while before those people feel like family.  That’s ok.

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Donald Harting is a child of divorce.  His parents separated when he was eight years old and divorced when he was 15.  He knows what it is like to lose an intact family and deal with the repercussions of divorce.  As a way to honor his parents, he has built a living memorial to them in the form of free books to help other children of divorced parents. You can find the program here.

And, the program does not offer just any books.  They have researched the best books available for preschool aged, elementary aged, middle school aged and teenaged children of divorce and picked the best book for each category.  As a result of their research they offer the following books for each category of children:

Preschool/Kindergarten

Using watercolor illustrations and gentle explanations, Mama and Daddy Bears Divorce discusses changes (like Daddy moving out), but reassures little ones that important things will stay the same. As Dinah learns, “her daddy would always be her daddy, and her mama would always be her mama.” (Description from FSCC).

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Divorce brings with it all kinds of different emotions.  If your parents are divorced, you already know that.  Sometimes you will be sad, sometimes angry, sometimes lonely, and sometimes many other different emotions.  But, is it ok to be happy?  Shouldn’t you be upset and sad following your parents’ divorce? …at least for a little while?

Some kids are happy following their parents divorce, and that is ok!  Maybe your parents fought a lot.  That can be very stressful to you as their child, and maybe you are happy that you just don’t have to listen to it anymore.  Maybe your Dad pays more attention to you when you spend time together after the divorce than he ever did before.  That can definitely make you happy.  Maybe you’ve had to move or something else that you view your life like a big adventure, and going on that adventure makes you happy.  It doesn’t matter what it is that makes you happy, the important thing to remember is that it is perfectly acceptable for you to be happy following your parents’ divorce.  And, no one should tell you otherwise.

When you are happy, enjoy it!  Even if you are generally happy with the divorce, there will likely be times when that fades and you’re not so happy anymore.  That’s ok too.  Sometimes we are  happy, and sometimes we are not – that doesn’t change after a divorce.  The important thing is that we understand that however we feel, that’s ok.  It is also important to recognize how we feel and find someone we trust to talk to about it.  So, if you’re happy go find something fun to do and enjoy being happy.  There is plenty of time for other emotions at a later time.

STOP! If you are considering a divorce, do everything within your power to find another way. Divorce hurts. It will hurt your children whether or not they are willing to tell you. Divorce fundamentally changes the world they have come to know.

That said, we recognize that some people will still elect to get a divorce, or may find themselves in a position where they have no choice. In those situations, we hope that you will make every effort to lessen the impact divorce will have on your kids. Those efforts should start from the very beginning, and in this case the beginning is when you choose to tell your kids about the divorce.

The following lists provide guidance on the steps you can take to tell your children about your divorce in the best possible way. Though these steps will not eliminate all pain and hurt your children might feel, we hope that they will help to mitigate the impacts of divorce. Not all of these steps will be easy for you, but we encourage you to make every effort to take as many of these steps as you possible can.  Whatever you do, be honest with your kids, do not tell your children the things listed below if you do not actually intend to do it.

Planning Ahead

• Don’t tell your children until you are absolutely sure you are getting a divorce.
• Tell the kids together with your spouse.
• Determine with your spouse ahead of time what you will say to your children and who will say it.
• Tell all of your children together at the same time.
• Pick an appropriate time for the conversation. Do not pick a time where someone need to head off to a soccer game or business meeting.
• Leave plenty of time for the conversation. Allotting an entire day and evening for this conversation would be best.
• Pick a private place to tell your children the news. Do not have the conversation with family friends or relatives present.
• Pick a place that is familiar and comfortable for your children. Do not have the conversation in a public place.
• Anticipate questions your children might ask ahead of time and be prepared to answer them.

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LINK

http://www.divorceandchildren.com/

ABOUT THE SITE

This website is the homepage of Christina McGhee.  Christina is a divorce coach and parent educator.  The focus of her work is on “helping children and families successfully manage the challenges of divorce.”  The focus of much of what Christina does is to help children and families to use the difficult events and circumstances they find themselves in as a result of divorce as a catalyst for positive change.

AVAILABLE RESOURCES

Divorce and Children is packed full of useful information for divorced and divorcing who desire to help their children adjust.  One of the best features of this page is a collection of resources for parents.  These articles are packed full of great information for parents and cover topics like:

• Do’s and Don’ts

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Research shows that divorce impacts children well into their adult years.  In fact Judith Wallerstein and her colleagues identified a “sleeper effect” where many children of divorce don’t even experience the full impact of the their parents’ divorce until years later as they become adults themselves.  That said, there are very few resources available designed specifically for adult children of divorce.   Chained No More is one of the very few resources written specifically to address the issues experienced by adult children of divorce.

After years of working with younger children of divorce and teen children of divorce, Robyn Besemann felt led to develop a program:

“…for the adult children of divorce to help them explore and address the issues connected with the divorce of their parents and other childhood brokenness.”

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Divorce brings all kinds of changes into your life.  Some changes are obvious.  You no longer live in the same house with both your mom and your dad.  Maybe you spend most of your time at one parents’ house and visit the other parents’ house every other weekend, or maybe you split your week between two houses.  Sometimes one parent moves far away and most of your contact with them will be by phone or e-mail.  In some cases, children of divorce don’t see one of their parents very often or at all.  There are many other potential changes.  You might have moved out of your house following the divorce and live in a brand new house or apartment.  Maybe you go to a brand new school or you’re in a living in a new neighborhood or going to a new church.

Some changes in your life are not obvious.  Other people probably don’t even notice these types of changes in your life at all, but you probably do.  Maybe your family had a special Christmas tradition before the divorce that you no longer get to do.  Perhaps you used to sit down every Saturday morning as a family for a pancake breakfast with dad that doesn’t happen anymore since the divorce.  Maybe it’s as simple as missing how Dad used to stop by your bedroom door every night and tell you “Sweet Dreams” as you were drifting off to sleep.  All of these little things may not seem important by themselves, but they form an important part of what we see as “normal.”  We call these little things that you’ve gotten used to rituals and routines and they define what “normal” is to us.

One important things that you can do after a divorce to help things get back to “normal” is to come up with some new rituals and routines to engage in with your family.  They may not be the same rituals and routines from before the divorce, but they can be just as fun and with time they will become just as important to you.  You’ll need to come up with some rituals and routines that work for you and you family, but here are some suggestions:

• If you live with your Mom, perhaps you and your Dad can exchange “good night” text messages every evening.

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Link

Click here to play Changeville.

Background

Changeville is an internet based game released in 2008 by the Justice Education Society of British Columbia, Canada.  Changeville is an interactive, virtual world designed “to give children tools and information that will help diminish the fears and anxiety they may feel.”  Some of the information contained within the game is targeted directly to residents of Canada (like contact information if kids need to talk to someone), but most of it applies to children from any country.

How it Works

We you enter the world of Changeville, you will be prompted to enter your name.  You can also enter a password if you want to keep your information private.  From there you customize your avatar (the character who represents you in the game) to look however you would like them to look. A map of Changeville appears, and you are prompted to pick an area of town.  Your choices include: Continue reading

Sometimes when parents talk to kids about things like divorce, they forget that you might not know what a divorce even is.  Or, you might think you know what divorce is all about, but not really understand what it means when your parents get divorced.  That’s ok, but it is helpful to know what a divorce really is when you hear the word used – especially if you are right in the middle of your parents’ divorce.

The word “divorce” is a legal term (something used by lawyers and judges) for when one or both people who are married choose to no longer be married to one another and end up no longer living together.  They sign some legal papers that say that they are single again and free to marry someone else if they choose to do that. Although your day-to-day living arrangements might change, divorce does not in any way change either of your parents’ relationships with you.  Even though your parents are no longer wife and husband, they are still your mom and dad.

Because divorce is a legal proceeding, the people involved (your mom and dad) usually have lawyers or attorneys to explain the laws to them and speak for them in court.  If your parents are getting divorced, you may have to speak to the lawyer for one or both of your parents.  In some cases (especially where parents are having a really hard time getting along), a special lawyer or person is appointed for the child to represent their interests during the divorce.  This person is appointed by the court and are often called a Guardian Ad Litem.  In some places, they are called Court Appointed Special Advocates.

The purpose of the divorce proceeding (including all the meetings and court appearances) is to determine how to split up the assets (all the stuff your parents own) and the custody of any children (how much time you will spend with each parent and when).

Some divorces end up in a court room before a judge who will make decisions about how your parents’ divorce will work including issues related to where you will stay.  If your parents can work out the details of their separation together with their attorneys before going to court, that is called a settlement.

This may seem like a silly question to you.  If it does, that’s great, but there are lots of kids who wonder weather or not they caused their parents’ divorce.  Do you ever wondered if you did something to cause your parents’ divorce?  Do you ever wonder if your parents would still be together if you had behaved better or kept your room cleaner or been nicer to your little sister?  There is a simple answer to those questions, and the question:

Did I cause my parents’ divorce?

That answer is:

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