Divorce is hard.  When your parents split up (either by divorce or moving out or whatever your circumstance might be) you will face all kinds of challenges and new and intense emotions.  The worse thing you can do is try to deal with it all yourself.  This is now a burden that you brought upon yourself, and you shouldn’t have to deal with the fall out all by yourself either.

So, who should you turn to?  In most tough situations in life, people will suggest that you turn to your parents, and in the midst of a divorce or separation it is important that you keep talking to them.  Unfortunately, many times parents are not really available to help.  They’re with too busy with their own lives or emotionally unavailable because of what they are going through in terms of the separation.  Even if your parents are trying their hardest, there is a good chance that turning to them to share your emotions and frustrations isn’t really an option.

So, what about your friends?  Chances are that you have friends who have also been through the separation of their parents.  These friends can be a valuable resource for information or comfort or just a listening ear.  A good friend can be a lifeline of sorts when you are dealing with tough times, and you are lucky if you have a friend like that.  Many do not, or you are too embarrassed or reluctant to share all the intimate details of what’s going on in your family life.  Or maybe you do have a friend like that, and it’s great to be able to talk to them, but they’re not particularly good about giving advice.

Perhaps you could try talking to a trusted adult or relative?  If you can find an adult whom you trust to talk to and share what you’re going through with, that is an amazing gift.  Many children of divorce have been helped immeasurably by an aunt and uncle, grandparent or family friend.  Sometimes, though, people are reluctant to talk to you because they don’t want to be seen as taking sides or because they just don’t know what to say.  You may need to pick an adult that you trust and ask them if it would be ok if you talk to them about what’s been going on in your life.

There are other options that may be even easier.  There are groups available that will help you to process the emotions you are feeling and the things you are living through.  Many of these groups bring together other people in similar experience along with someone to help lead the group to provide tools and insight into what you are going through.  Such groups can help you to move from the pain and turmoil that you may currently be feeling to hope and healing.  Look for a The Big D: Divorce Through the Eyes of a Teenager group in your area and sign up.  If you don’t have a local group, or you prefer something a little different than a face-to-face group, we offer free online support groups for teens here on I Am A Child of Divorce.  This 16 week program is conducted entirely online and will provide you with tools and advice on how to deal with your parents divorce/separation by engaging with a group of other teens in similar situations and an adult facilitator who is there to help.

Let’s face it, if you live part-time at both your mom’s house and your dad’s house, it can be hard on you.  Even apart from the emotional baggage that goes along with living in two different homes (and maybe with two different families), there is the practical and organization nightmare of not having all of your stuff in one place.  That can be frustrating, in fact “frustrating” might be one of the nicer words you could use to describe it.

Here are some steps that might help ease the practical discomforts of living in two homes.  It may not be possible (depending on your living arrangements) to follow all of these, but hopefully they will give you some ideas.

• Don’t live out of suitcases.  Unpack your stuff when you get the home you’re headed to.  Living out of a suitcase may seem easier, especially if you are only going to be there for a few days, but the process of unpacking your suitcase will help to make each home feel a little more permanent.
• Have a space at each house that’s all yours.  Just because you’re not there all the time doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have your own space.  Ideally, you will have your own room at each place, but this doesn’t always work out depending on the number of people in your family and the space available.  At least have a dresser or a closet or a drawer that is all yours.
• Have some clothes at each house.  If you have some essential clothes at each house, you won’t have to worry about leaving all your underwear at mom’s house or all your socks at dad’s house.  If you have a favorite pair of jeans or sweatshirt, try to get your parents to buy two of each (one for each house).  You don’t need a full wardrobe at both houses, but some essentials are important.
• Keep in touch with the other parent.  It’s hard not to miss one parent when you’re at the other parent’s house.  Write letters or e-mails, talk on the phone, send a text or talk on Skype to keep up with what’s going on in the other house.
• Bring along some of your favorite things.  If you have a hobby like collecting sports cards, reading, building legos or model trains, take along some of your collection so that you can enjoy it at the other house.
• Have certain things at each home.  If there are certain toys or activities that you really enjoy (think video game systems or a bike), try to have one at both houses.  Remember, it doesn’t have to be exactly the same at each house to work.  Maybe you can have a PS3 at one house and an Xbox at the other. (This one might take some convincing, but who knows?!?)
• Keep a calendar.  Your parents may have a calendar to keep track of you and your stuff, but keep your own as well.  Whether you use paper, an iPhone, or an online calendar like Google, knowing when you are going to be at each house will help you to schedule events and activities with friends and relatives.  Ask your parents to keep you updated on any changes in the schedule.  If you use a shared calendar like Google, you can let your parents see what you have going on so they can plan around it.
• Make lists.  If you keep lists of the most important things that you need to remember, there is less chance that you will find yourself at one house needing something that you left at the other house.  If you type those lists up on the computer, you can print out multiple copies and use them every time you go back and forth between homes.
• Talk to your parents.  If keeping track of two sets of rules and expectations is getting hard on you, sit down with your parents and try to agree on some basics.  If they refuse to sit down together, sit down with each of them separately and try to come to come agreement.  It might seem “cool” that the rules aren’t as strict at one house as the other, but in the end you may find life easier if both homes have similar rules and expectations.

Divorce is hard, and as a child divorce you may wonder if anyone else understands what you are going through.  Well, the answer is yes…and….no! 

Unfortunately, lots of kids each year experience the divorce of their parents.  In fact, since 1972 roughly one million kids per year, or more, have seen their parents divorce (sometimes more than once).  Forty percent of children under the age of 18 do not live with their married biological (or adoptive) mom and dad (that’s 2 out of every five people under the age of 18). 

So, the answer to the question, “Am I the only one going through this?” is no.  There are lots of other kids who are also experiencing the divorce of their parents each year.  Chances are you have cousins or friends or neighbors or schoolmates whose parents are divorced.  Plus, the divorce rate (that is the number of people getting divorced) has been high for years.  That means there are also tons of adults out there who went through the divorce of their parents when they are kids.  Many of these adults can relate to what you are going through, and have the experience to help you in your own journey.

Divorce brings all kinds of changes into your life.  Some changes are obvious.  You no longer live in the same house with both your mom and your dad.  Maybe you spend most of your time at one parents’ house and visit the other parents’ house every other weekend, or maybe you split your week between two houses.  Sometimes one parent moves far away and most of your contact with them will be by phone or e-mail.  In some cases, children of divorce don’t see one of their parents very often or at all.  There are many other potential changes.  You might have moved out of your house following the divorce and live in a brand new house or apartment.  Maybe you go to a brand new school or you’re in a living in a new neighborhood or going to a new church.

Some changes in your life are not obvious.  Other people probably don’t even notice these types of changes in your life at all, but you probably do.  Maybe your family had a special Christmas tradition before the divorce that you no longer get to do.  Perhaps you used to sit down every Saturday morning as a family for a pancake breakfast with dad that doesn’t happen anymore since the divorce.  Maybe it’s as simple as missing how Dad used to stop by your bedroom door every night and tell you “Sweet Dreams” as you were drifting off to sleep.  All of these little things may not seem important by themselves, but they form an important part of what we see as “normal.”  We call these little things that you’ve gotten used to rituals and routines and they define what “normal” is to us.

One important things that you can do after a divorce to help things get back to “normal” is to come up with some new rituals and routines to engage in with your family.  They may not be the same rituals and routines from before the divorce, but they can be just as fun and with time they will become just as important to you.  You’ll need to come up with some rituals and routines that work for you and you family, but here are some suggestions:

• If you live with your Mom, perhaps you and your Dad can exchange “good night” text messages every evening.
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