There are thousands of kids whose parents get divorced every week. Add to that the number of kids whose parents split up even though they were never married, and you wouldn’t think it would be too hard to find people who are dealing with similar experiences. Despite all that, many times when our parents split up we feel like the only one in the world going through it. It seems like there is no where to turn and no one to talk to.

That’s one of the reasons we created I Am A Child of Divorce – so kids and teens whose parents are split up would have a place they could go to find information and other people who have at least some idea what you are going through. To do that, we’ve created all kinds of ways for you to connect and to begin to heal from your parents’ split. We want to bring some of those ways to your attention. Some are new resources, some have been totally redone to meet your needs better, and some have been around from day one. Regardless, here are a few ways you can connect with others and get help as you deal with the fall out from your parents’ split:

1. Online Support Group for Teens: We recently totally rewrote our online support group for teens to make them more accessible to you and allow you to work at your own pace. The teen support group consists of four zone, each with five modules, that tackle the issues and emotions faced by teens after their parents divorce/separate. Each module offers a variety of ways to dig deeper into what’s going on and move towards healing. Each module includes a self-guided interview, videos, a continuing narrative and resources. You can take advantage of as many or as few of these options for each module as you’d like (though we do strongly recommend that you at least complete the self-guided interview). In addition to these options, we have a confidential chat session in a private chat room every other week for people in the group. These sessions generally cover two modules but are flexible enough to cover just about anything you need to talk about. Each online session is led by a facilitator who serves to keep the conversation moving.

2. Confidential Facebook Group: Facebook may be that thing you stopped using once your parents got an account, but it still has some useful features, and we’re using one of them to help connect directly with you and create connections with others who have walked, and are walking, the same path. We created a brand new confidential Facebook group for teens and young adults whose parents are split up. In this group you can ask questions, share your stories, seek advice and even help other people out in responding to their questions. This group is private so only members of the group can see what you post, and we ask that all members keep things confidential in order to encourage people to be open and honest with what they are going through. You have to request membership, but once you’re in you can post and comment as much and whenever you’d like.

3. Ask Us: This is probably one of the neatest and most underused tools here on I Am A Child of Divorce. Anyone with an e-mail address can ask a question about whatever is on your mind or your heart, and one of our experts will get back to you with a personalized reply. If you are a member of I Am A Child of Divorce and you are logged in to the site, your questions are also password protected. Otherwise, just use the same e-maill address and you can access your old questions and our answers.

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I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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If your parents are separated or divorced, there is no doubt that you have experienced times of sadness. If left unchecked, that sadness can easily grow into depression, and depression which is not dealt with can sometimes lead people to think about, plan or even attempt to take their own life (suicide). If you are considering suicide, please know that no matter how hopeless things might seem right now, they will get better eventually.  And, no matter how much it might seem like no one really cares, someone cares about you because those of here at I Am A Child of Divorce care about you. We are so sorry that you are dealing with so much pain in your life that you have reached this point, and we want to do anything we can to help you.

If you are thinking about suicide, please take the following steps:

• Call a suicide prevention hotline to talk to someone. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) will connect you with a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area anytime of day. You can also find an online chat feature at their website which is available from 2:00 PM to 2:00 AM Eastern Standard Time every day. Outside of the United States, check out the International Suicide Hotlines page at Suicide.org for a list of hotlines by country.
• Find a trusted adult that you can talk to. If you’re not comfortable talking to someone in your family, talk to someone from church, a teacher at school, a family friend or some other trusted adult. Let them know that you are hurting so much that you’ve thought about taking your own life.
• Seek professional help, a counselor or therapist can help you to work through the pain you are experiencing. They can’t change your circumstances, but they can help
• If you feel like you may actually attempt suicide, try not to be alone. Having someone with you can reduce the possibility of any impulsive actions.
• Stay away from anything that you might consider using to hurt yourself.
• If none of these options work for you, call 9-1-1 or check yourself into your local emergency room.

Yikes. What a tough question! Divorce is tough, and divorce hurts. There is no doubt about that. Perhaps your parents are in the process of finalizing their split or maybe they’ve already been separated for years. Either way, it is a healthy exercise to look for the positive even in really bad situations, and you will find it beneficial to think about any “good” things that might come have come out of this situation. After all, if life hands you lemons…make lemonade, right?!?

My parents divorced 20 years ago. I was 4 years old at the time. If you asked me then, I would have told you that nothing good can come out of divorce. Looking back though, there were some positive things.

#1 Less Yelling (sort of)

Many times you will find that parents yell a whole lot prior to a divorce. If your parents are going through a divorce or are divorced now, you might look back and realize that the yelling was really kicked up a notch before they split. When parents split up, the level of fighting tends to decrease. In my case, the fighting was replaced with a strange silence that I wasn’t used to, and I enjoyed it. That’s not to say that your parents will never fight after the divorce. Some still do, but if you’ve been living the daily grind of listening to your parents’ never ending arguments, the divorce may give you some much needed peace and quiet.

#2 Learning About Yourself

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Divorce is hard.  When your parents split up (either by divorce or moving out or whatever your circumstance might be) you will face all kinds of challenges and new and intense emotions.  The worse thing you can do is try to deal with it all yourself.  This is now a burden that you brought upon yourself, and you shouldn’t have to deal with the fall out all by yourself either.

So, who should you turn to?  In most tough situations in life, people will suggest that you turn to your parents, and in the midst of a divorce or separation it is important that you keep talking to them.  Unfortunately, many times parents are not really available to help.  They’re with too busy with their own lives or emotionally unavailable because of what they are going through in terms of the separation.  Even if your parents are trying their hardest, there is a good chance that turning to them to share your emotions and frustrations isn’t really an option.

So, what about your friends?  Chances are that you have friends who have also been through the separation of their parents.  These friends can be a valuable resource for information or comfort or just a listening ear.  A good friend can be a lifeline of sorts when you are dealing with tough times, and you are lucky if you have a friend like that.  Many do not, or you are too embarrassed or reluctant to share all the intimate details of what’s going on in your family life.  Or maybe you do have a friend like that, and it’s great to be able to talk to them, but they’re not particularly good about giving advice.

Perhaps you could try talking to a trusted adult or relative?  If you can find an adult whom you trust to talk to and share what you’re going through with, that is an amazing gift.  Many children of divorce have been helped immeasurably by an aunt and uncle, grandparent or family friend.  Sometimes, though, people are reluctant to talk to you because they don’t want to be seen as taking sides or because they just don’t know what to say.  You may need to pick an adult that you trust and ask them if it would be ok if you talk to them about what’s been going on in your life.

There are other options that may be even easier.  There are groups available that will help you to process the emotions you are feeling and the things you are living through.  Many of these groups bring together other people in similar experience along with someone to help lead the group to provide tools and insight into what you are going through.  Such groups can help you to move from the pain and turmoil that you may currently be feeling to hope and healing.  Look for a The Big D: Divorce Through the Eyes of a Teenager group in your area and sign up.  If you don’t have a local group, or you prefer something a little different than a face-to-face group, we offer free online support groups for teens here on I Am A Child of Divorce.  This 16 week program is conducted entirely online and will provide you with tools and advice on how to deal with your parents divorce/separation by engaging with a group of other teens in similar situations and an adult facilitator who is there to help.

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Let’s face it, if you live part-time at both your mom’s house and your dad’s house, it can be hard on you.  Even apart from the emotional baggage that goes along with living in two different homes (and maybe with two different families), there is the practical and organization nightmare of not having all of your stuff in one place.  That can be frustrating, in fact “frustrating” might be one of the nicer words you could use to describe it.

Here are some steps that might help ease the practical discomforts of living in two homes.  It may not be possible (depending on your living arrangements) to follow all of these, but hopefully they will give you some ideas.

• Don’t live out of suitcases.  Unpack your stuff when you get the home you’re headed to.  Living out of a suitcase may seem easier, especially if you are only going to be there for a few days, but the process of unpacking your suitcase will help to make each home feel a little more permanent.
• Have a space at each house that’s all yours.  Just because you’re not there all the time doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have your own space.  Ideally, you will have your own room at each place, but this doesn’t always work out depending on the number of people in your family and the space available.  At least have a dresser or a closet or a drawer that is all yours.
• Have some clothes at each house.  If you have some essential clothes at each house, you won’t have to worry about leaving all your underwear at mom’s house or all your socks at dad’s house.  If you have a favorite pair of jeans or sweatshirt, try to get your parents to buy two of each (one for each house).  You don’t need a full wardrobe at both houses, but some essentials are important.
• Keep in touch with the other parent.  It’s hard not to miss one parent when you’re at the other parent’s house.  Write letters or e-mails, talk on the phone, send a text or talk on Skype to keep up with what’s going on in the other house.
• Bring along some of your favorite things.  If you have a hobby like collecting sports cards, reading, building legos or model trains, take along some of your collection so that you can enjoy it at the other house.
• Have certain things at each home.  If there are certain toys or activities that you really enjoy (think video game systems or a bike), try to have one at both houses.  Remember, it doesn’t have to be exactly the same at each house to work.  Maybe you can have a PS3 at one house and an Xbox at the other. (This one might take some convincing, but who knows?!?)
• Keep a calendar.  Your parents may have a calendar to keep track of you and your stuff, but keep your own as well.  Whether you use paper, an iPhone, or an online calendar like Google, knowing when you are going to be at each house will help you to schedule events and activities with friends and relatives.  Ask your parents to keep you updated on any changes in the schedule.  If you use a shared calendar like Google, you can let your parents see what you have going on so they can plan around it.
• Make lists.  If you keep lists of the most important things that you need to remember, there is less chance that you will find yourself at one house needing something that you left at the other house.  If you type those lists up on the computer, you can print out multiple copies and use them every time you go back and forth between homes.
• Talk to your parents.  If keeping track of two sets of rules and expectations is getting hard on you, sit down with your parents and try to agree on some basics.  If they refuse to sit down together, sit down with each of them separately and try to come to come agreement.  It might seem “cool” that the rules aren’t as strict at one house as the other, but in the end you may find life easier if both homes have similar rules and expectations.

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Divorce is hard, and as a child divorce you may wonder if anyone else understands what you are going through.  Well, the answer is yes…and….no! 

Unfortunately, lots of kids each year experience the divorce of their parents.  In fact, since 1972 roughly one million kids per year, or more, have seen their parents divorce (sometimes more than once).  Forty percent of children under the age of 18 do not live with their married biological (or adoptive) mom and dad (that’s 2 out of every five people under the age of 18). 

So, the answer to the question, “Am I the only one going through this?” is no.  There are lots of other kids who are also experiencing the divorce of their parents each year.  Chances are you have cousins or friends or neighbors or schoolmates whose parents are divorced.  Plus, the divorce rate (that is the number of people getting divorced) has been high for years.  That means there are also tons of adults out there who went through the divorce of their parents when they are kids.  Many of these adults can relate to what you are going through, and have the experience to help you in your own journey.

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Divorce brings all kinds of changes into your life.  Some changes are obvious.  You no longer live in the same house with both your mom and your dad.  Maybe you spend most of your time at one parents’ house and visit the other parents’ house every other weekend, or maybe you split your week between two houses.  Sometimes one parent moves far away and most of your contact with them will be by phone or e-mail.  In some cases, children of divorce don’t see one of their parents very often or at all.  There are many other potential changes.  You might have moved out of your house following the divorce and live in a brand new house or apartment.  Maybe you go to a brand new school or you’re in a living in a new neighborhood or going to a new church.

Some changes in your life are not obvious.  Other people probably don’t even notice these types of changes in your life at all, but you probably do.  Maybe your family had a special Christmas tradition before the divorce that you no longer get to do.  Perhaps you used to sit down every Saturday morning as a family for a pancake breakfast with dad that doesn’t happen anymore since the divorce.  Maybe it’s as simple as missing how Dad used to stop by your bedroom door every night and tell you “Sweet Dreams” as you were drifting off to sleep.  All of these little things may not seem important by themselves, but they form an important part of what we see as “normal.”  We call these little things that you’ve gotten used to rituals and routines and they define what “normal” is to us.

One important things that you can do after a divorce to help things get back to “normal” is to come up with some new rituals and routines to engage in with your family.  They may not be the same rituals and routines from before the divorce, but they can be just as fun and with time they will become just as important to you.  You’ll need to come up with some rituals and routines that work for you and you family, but here are some suggestions:

• If you live with your Mom, perhaps you and your Dad can exchange “good night” text messages every evening.

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