I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.
Following the divorce or separation of your parents, your relationship with them may feel distant or strained. It may be the case that you have been angry with them and have intentionally avoided them causing your relationship to suffer. They might be busy with adjusting to a new life away from your other parent and not be spending time with you. You may both be avoiding one another because you don’t know what to say, or maybe you’re afraid that you’ll hurt your parents’ feelings if you tell them what you’re really thinking.
Whether you admit it or not, most children instinctively desire to protect their parents. No matter how wrong you might think they were to get divorced in the first place, you may be reluctant to share the emotions and troubles you have for fear of making things worse for them.
On the other hand, if your parents are divorced or separated, you are likely experiencing some emotions you have never felt before or never felt quite this intensely. Many of the articles and resources on this site are designed to help you process those emotions and understand and deal with them better.
That said, you still need someone to talk to about your emotions. Just the process of naming your emotions and talking about your struggles is an important first step in overcoming them. The person you talk to may be a friend or a trusted adult, but sometimes the person you really need to talk to is your parent. It may be scary or uncomfortable, but in the long-term you will both benefit from having the conversation.
Here are some guidelines for how to talk to your parents about emotions or other things that may be bothering you:
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.
When your parents divorce, you entire world changes. Many times, you are find out or are given information about one parent or the other which impacts your view of them. Perhaps one of your parents made bad decisions which and betrayed the trust of your other parent causing the divorce. Sometimes, your parents’ actions will cause you pain. You may even feel like between you and your parent, you are the one acting like the adult these days. Given all of that, how can you continue to respect or honor your parents?
It is important to separate the the person from the position in your effort to respect and honor both of your parents. Despite the actions of your parents, they have been put in your life and given the position of parent. You can respect and honor that position regardless of the acts of the individuals in those positions. Put another way, even though you’re your mother’s actions have left your father depressed and despondent, you can still respect her role as mother when it comes to setting rules and boundaries.
Keep in mind that respect is a choice you make. Oftentimes in our society, you will hear that “respect is earned.” This is not true. Respect is given. Respect is a choice. It is a choice to honor and respect a person regardless of your feelings towards them. You choose to treat a person a certain way whether they deserve it or not because you know that it is the right thing to do. Respect is not, and can not, be granted on a “quid pro quo” basis. You don’t choose to respect your parents because they respect you or because they treat you the way you feel you should be treated. You respect them because YOU make the choice to do so regardless of their actions.
Keep in mind that respect does not always mean affirming the actions of, or agreeing with the stance of, your parent. If one of your parents is making destructive choices, or worse yet encouraging you to do the same, the most respectful thing you can sometimes do is turn away for a time or a season. If your father’s house is unsafe, honor and respect does not demand that you stay there. If your mother and father can not get along in the same room, honor does not dictate that you subject yourself to that drama on your graduation or wedding day.
Sometimes, respecting and honoring your parents has to start with forgiveness. Quit holding on to the bitterness that you are feeling, and choose to forgive your parent. You will not be able to honor or respect them so long as you are harboring resentment towards them. It will not be easy, but choosing to honor and respect your parents can free you up emotionally and start you down the road of healing.
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.
Your parents would not have gotten a divorce if their relationship had not been strained in the first place. In addition, divorce is a hard and stressful time, and many parents come out of a divorce with even more bitter feelings towards one another. They should understand and appreciate that the other parent is still your parent and still important to you, but sometimes they mess up, forget that or ignore that fact and say things they shouldn’t say either to you or in front of you.
When your parents say bad things about one another, there are a few different things you should try to make the situation better.
Remember, no matter what one parent may say, you have the right to love both of your parents and have both of them in your life. Sometimes when one parent says something bad about the other, it is almost as if they are saying that thing about you. After all, you are one-half of each of your parents. Try not to take what your parents say personally, and remember that their words do not define who you are as a person or an individual. You are not defined by their choices or actions.
