Resisting change is a natural part of being human. For teenagers that resistance is compounded by a tendency to test boundaries and rock the status quo. Divorce or separation naturally makes all children feel powerless over their circumstances. For teens, who are feeling their oats and less likely to listen to parental authority, this is especially hard to accept.
Thus writes Rosalind Sedaca in this important article about why divorce is hard on teenagers.
This may seem like a silly question to you. If it does, that’s great, but there are lots of kids who wonder weather or not they caused their parents’ divorce. Do you ever wondered if you did something to cause your parents’ divorce? Do you ever wonder if your parents would still be together if you had behaved better or kept your room cleaner or been nicer to your little sister? There is a simple answer to those questions, and the question:
When your parents divorce, you entire world changes. Many times, you are find out or are given information about one parent or the other which impacts your view of them. Perhaps one of your parents made bad decisions which and betrayed the trust of your other parent causing the divorce. Sometimes, your parents’ actions will cause you pain. You may even feel like between you and your parent, you are the one acting like the adult these days. Given all of that, how can you continue to respect or honor your parents?
It is important to separate the the person from the position in your effort to respect and honor both of your parents. Despite the actions of your parents, they have been put in your life and given the position of parent. You can respect and honor that position regardless of the acts of the individuals in those positions. Put another way, even though you’re your mother’s actions have left your father depressed and despondent, you can still respect her role as mother when it comes to setting rules and boundaries.
Keep in mind that respect is a choice you make. Oftentimes in our society, you will hear that “respect is earned.” This is not true. Respect is given. Respect is a choice. It is a choice to honor and respect a person regardless of your feelings towards them. You choose to treat a person a certain way whether they deserve it or not because you know that it is the right thing to do. Respect is not, and can not, be granted on a “quid pro quo” basis. You don’t choose to respect your parents because they respect you or because they treat you the way you feel you should be treated. You respect them because YOU make the choice to do so regardless of their actions.
Keep in mind that respect does not always mean affirming the actions of, or agreeing with the stance of, your parent. If one of your parents is making destructive choices, or worse yet encouraging you to do the same, the most respectful thing you can sometimes do is turn away for a time or a season. If your father’s house is unsafe, honor and respect does not demand that you stay there. If your mother and father can not get along in the same room, honor does not dictate that you subject yourself to that drama on your graduation or wedding day.
Sometimes, respecting and honoring your parents has to start with forgiveness. Quit holding on to the bitterness that you are feeling, and choose to forgive your parent. You will not be able to honor or respect them so long as you are harboring resentment towards them. It will not be easy, but choosing to honor and respect your parents can free you up emotionally and start you down the road of healing.
Too many times people think that divorce doesn’t have much of an impact on teens and young adults. This article from The Independent contradicts that notion.
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
Your parents would not have gotten a divorce if their relationship had not been strained in the first place. In addition, divorce is a hard and stressful time, and many parents come out of a divorce with even more bitter feelings towards one another. They should understand and appreciate that the other parent is still your parent and still important to you, but sometimes they mess up, forget that or ignore that fact and say things they shouldn’t say either to you or in front of you.
When your parents say bad things about one another, there are a few different things you should try to make the situation better.
Remember that there are two sides to every story, and often when we tell stories or talk about other people we are biased by our emotions and circumstances. Make your own judgments about your parents based on your own knowledge and not based on second-hand stories or comments from one parent.
Talk to your parents about the situation. Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your other parent but that you still love them both and won’t pick one over the other. Let them know that it hurts you to hear them saying negative things about the other parent. Try to do this in a respectful way, but make it clear that your parent’s actions are hurting you as well, and ask them to stop talking badly about the other parent. Hopefully this will be enough to get them to stop bad mouthing your other parent.
If it is too difficult to have a conversation with your parent, write them a letter explaining the situation and asking them to stop.
If you communicate with your parents and they continue to bad mouth the other parent, make a point of removing yourself from the situation next time one parent starts to speak negatively about the other. It is not healthy for you to continue to listen to it.
Remember that parents make mistakes too. Try to forgive them even when they don’t ask for forgiveness.
Remember, no matter what one parent may say, you have the right to love both of your parents and have both of them in your life. Sometimes when one parent says something bad about the other, it is almost as if they are saying that thing about you. After all, you are one-half of each of your parents. Try not to take what your parents say personally, and remember that their words do not define who you are as a person or an individual. You are not defined by their choices or actions.
When your parents get separated or divorced, you will experience emotions that you may never have had before. You will also experience emotions much more deeply than you ever have before. That is normal. If your parents just recently told you that they are separating or getting a divorce, you are probably still trying to get used to the idea. You may even be in shock or denial (unwilling to accept the news).
An announcement like that can cause you to feel sad, angry, depressed, lonely, guilty or many other emotions. It is important that you find someone to talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. Find someone you trust (other than your parents) to share your feelings with. This can be a trusted adult like a teacher, someone from church, or a family friend. It is important that you “get it out” and not let your emotions just get “bottled up inside.”
It might not seem like it right now, but with time things will get better. Your life will never be the same as it used to be, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy again. Don’t rush it. Take your time. It’s ok if you don’t feel happy and and it’s ok if you do. Everyone is unique, and while your friends may seem happy within months of their parents’ divorce, it might take you a year, or two or more. Or, you might feel like you’ve finally found happiness again one day only to lose it when something else happens.
Hang in there! Divorce hurts, and it will hurt for years to come, but you and your parents can create a new normal. As you get used to the new routine, you will find that the things that used to make you happy can make you happy once again.
If you need someone to talk to, visit our forums here at I Am A Child of Divorce. If you have a Facebook account, you can also find us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/IAmaChildofDivorce.com. We would love to help you.
Welcome to our new little corner of the internet. Before we jump right in, it seemed appropriate to take a minute to introduce ourselves and this site.
Why did you start I Am A Child of Divorce?
I Am A Child of Divorce was born out of a desire to help children deal with the issue and circumstances raised by the divorce of their parents. At a local level, this help can take many forms:
Unfortunately, in our experience in dealing with these children of divorce, many of them have no one in their lives to help them to navigate the stormy waters of their parents’ divorce. That is where I Am A Child of Divorce comes in. Our goal is to build a community of children of divorce and people who care about them to help kids who do not have access to a program or caring adults or who just need additional information or someone to talk to.
What’s up with the name?
One thing that we’ve heard over and over in talking to children of divorce, particularly grown children of divorce, is that they do not want to be defined by the choices of their parents. So, why then would we choose a name like “I Am A Child of Divorce” for this website? Aren’t we doing exactly what we’ve been told – defining kids by the divorce of their parents? We don’t think so. “I Am A Child of Divorce” is a proclamation – not of identity but of hope.
It is a way of saying, yes I Am A Child of Divorce, and yes that has shaped my life in ways that most people can not even begin to understand. But, I will not be defined by a decision made by my parents. By proclaiming the “I Am A Child of Divorce,” I am acknowledging the truth of that statement and the impact it has had on my life while at the same time proclaiming that who I am is so much more than that.
What is the mission of I Am A Child of Divorce?
Our mission at I Am A Child of Divorce is anchored by three “H” words – Help, Hope and Heal. It reads:
To help children of divorce to deal with the effects and consequences of their parents’ divorce by providing hope and healing through a community of committed individuals and other valuable resources.
Who should use this website?
Anyone who desires information of the how to help children adjust to the divorce of their parents is welcome on this site.
First and foremost, this site is for children of divorce. That includes children of any age, teenagers and adult children of divorce. We also include in our definition of children of divorce any children from single parent homes whether their parents were ever officially married or not. Ultimately, our goal is to help you, and you are the reason we exist.
Additionally, in order to build the type of community we are seeking, we need people with a heart for children and people experienced at helping children deal with the issues of divorce.
Parents are also welcome on this site and in the forums. We applaud your efforts to make this difficult time for your child as easy as possible, and we believe this site may provide you with valuable insight into what your child is going through. However, please keep in mind that this is a child-centered resource, and we moderate the forums and Facebook page as such. So, discussions about how to help children adjust to a blended family and how to co-parent effectively are welcome. Bashing your ex or discussing adult issues like how to get more child support are outside the scope of this project.
Who is behind I Am A Child of Divorce?
This site was create by Wayne Stocks. Wayne is not a child of divorce, but he has worked with kids for years and has dedicated his life to helping current and future children of divorce. You can find out more about Wayne at his personal blog (Dad in the Middle) and his blog dedicated to equipping others to help children of divorce (Divorce Ministry 4 Kids). You can reach Wayne by e-mail at wayne@iamachildofdivorce.com.
What are your plans for the site?
We have big plans for this site primarily focused on two main elements.
We want to build dynamic forums which will bring together children of divorce with others who have had similar experience and with adults who can speak into the lives of those children and listen to their struggles. Our Facebook page is an extension of that effort.
We want to provide valuable resources which will help children, teens and adults deal with the fall out from the their parents’ divorce.
Our forums are currently up and running, and we invite you to begin using those immediately and spreading the word to others who might find them useful. We will slowly and consistently begin adding content almost immediately. You will be able to find these posts on our blog page and also on pages individually tailored for Kids, Teens and Adults. Finally, we recognize that our resources are not the only ones out there, so we plan on developing a Resources page to highlight other resources which may be useful to our users and a Store where you can access a variety of books related to the issue of divorce.
What can I do to help?
The most important thing you can do is to engage with others. Engage in the forums and on our Facebook page. Let your voice be heard. Answer questions. Ask for advice. Become a part of this loving community.
Second, you can help us to get the word out. Spread the news of the website and Facebook page to your circle of influence. Let the children of divorce in your life know that we are here to help them.
Finally, if you have any experience in helping children of divorce and would like to help us create content, please send me an e-mail at wayne@iamachildofdivorce.com and we’ll talk.
Too many times people think that divorce doesn’t have much of an impact on teens and young adults. This article from The Independent contradicts that notion.
