I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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Yikes. What a tough question! Divorce is tough, and divorce hurts. There is no doubt about that. Perhaps your parents are in the process of finalizing their split or maybe they’ve already been separated for years. Either way, it is a healthy exercise to look for the positive even in really bad situations, and you will find it beneficial to think about any “good” things that might come have come out of this situation. After all, if life hands you lemons…make lemonade, right?!?

My parents divorced 20 years ago. I was 4 years old at the time. If you asked me then, I would have told you that nothing good can come out of divorce. Looking back though, there were some positive things.

#1 Less Yelling (sort of)

Many times you will find that parents yell a whole lot prior to a divorce. If your parents are going through a divorce or are divorced now, you might look back and realize that the yelling was really kicked up a notch before they split. When parents split up, the level of fighting tends to decrease. In my case, the fighting was replaced with a strange silence that I wasn’t used to, and I enjoyed it. That’s not to say that your parents will never fight after the divorce. Some still do, but if you’ve been living the daily grind of listening to your parents’ never ending arguments, the divorce may give you some much needed peace and quiet.

#2 Learning About Yourself

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Many children of single parents end up in a situation where their parents start dating again and they don’t like the new boyfriend or girlfriend.  If there is a reason not to like them – like they make you feel uncomfortable or are physically or emotionally abusive, you need to tell someone about it.  However, if you just don’t like them and you don’t know exactly why, there are some things you should keep in mind to help you adjust to your parent’s new love interest and keep from damaging your own relationship with your parent:

1. Remember, your parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend is not your new parent.  They shouldn’t act like they are, and you shouldn’t expect them to fill that role.
   Talk to your mom or dad about it, but make sure you do it in a respectful way. Explain that you don’t like the idea of them dating.  If it hasn’t been long since the divorce, explain that you need time to adjust to the divorce. Explain that you are trying, but that they need to understand that this hurts you. Don’t give ultimatums and don’t place blame. Just share your feelings.
   Remember that you don’t have to like the person your parent dates. Unless that person makes you feel unsafe for some reason, you don’t have to like them. Don’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way, you can’t.
   Try to start over. If there isn’t a reason not to like the new person in your parent’s life, go back and “redo.” Start over remembering that you are just working on forming a new friendship regardless of what your parent feels about this parent. Engage in idle chit-chat. Find things that you both like and talk about them (even it’s ice cream).  Without the pressure on either of you, you might find it easier to start a relationship and even form a friendship with this person if you just start over.
   Guard your heart. Your parent might be in love, but that doesn’t mean this relationship will last. If you do put some effort into it and end up liking this person, guard your heart a little bit to avoid being overly vulnerable in the event the relationship ends.
   Work on your relationship with your parent. Just because the two of you disagree doesn’t have to destroy the relationship. Find some common ground or work together to set up some ground rules that you both can live with.

You might also find something useful in the following previous questions answered here on I Am A Child of Divorce:
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I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

Continue reading

I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

Continue reading

That is a fair question, and if you’ve gone to church and/or believe in God you may very well have asked yourself that question since your parents separated or got divorced.  Where was God?  Why didn’t He stop the divorce?  Why didn’t He answer my prayers?  Maybe you even blame your parents’ divorce on God?  Maybe you wonder how a loving God could let your family fall apart like it has.

In order to understand where God was when your parents divorced, you must first understand God’s view of divorce and His love for all people.

God Hates Divorce

The Bible is clear that God hates divorce.  He hates all sin, and divorce is a sin.  Divorce is one of many sins that God does not like, but sin is basically anything that God wants us to do that we don’t do and things He doesn’t want us to do that we do.  This sin separates us from God and can hurt us and/or the people around us which is one of the reasons God hates it.

God didn’t design a world where moms and dads would not get married or would get married and then just decide to walk away.  If you are upset of the disruption and changes in your family, you can rest assured that God is even more upset about them.  If you are sad about those changes, know that God understands your pain and grieves over the situation you are in.  It is not the way He designed things to be, but it the result of people choosing not to follow Him.

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If you ever wonder if it’s ok to love both of your parents after a divorce or separation, the answer to this question is simple:

YES

You absolutely have the right to love both of your parents no matter what happened in their relationship with one another.

Sometimes the fact that you love one parent might make things uncomfortable for the other parent, and other times you might feel like the fact that you love your Dad makes your Mom mad or vice-versa.  Unfortunately, you might be right. Especially when parents have gotten a divorce, one or both parents may harbor resentment and anger towards the other parent.  They might even try to influence you to feel the same way they do about your other parent.  What they are doing isn’t fair to you, but it is likely the result of the frustration and stress that they are feeling.  Unfortunately, parents are human beings too, and even parents make mistakes.

One fundamental right that every child from a divorced or separated home should have is the freedom to love both parents.  If you are in a situation where one parent is making that hard or uncomfortable, there are some things you can do to try to make the situation better:

1. Remember that they are still your parents, and even though they might not be right about this situation, you need to show them respect.  They might not deserve it, but that shouldn’t keep you from showing it.
2. Talk to the parent who you feel is hindering your ability to love the other parent and tell them how you are feeling.  Explain, as specifically as possible, what they are doing that makes you feel like they don’t want you to love the other parent.
3. Explain in a calm and respectful way that you did not choose, nor did you have a say in, what happened between your parents and you shouldn’t be asked to picked sides or favor one parent over the other.
4. If one parent starts to blame the other parent for what has happened to your family, remind that parent that you aren’t happy about what has happened either but that doesn’t mean that you don’t still love your mom or dad.  Remind them that they still love you even when you make mistakes and you feel the same way about them.
5. Reassure your parent that just because you love your other parent doesn’t mean that you love them any less.  Remember that your parents are probably hurting too, and you can reassure them by showing love to them as well.

I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

Continue reading