When your parents divorce, you entire world changes.  Many times, you are find out or are given information about one parent or the other which impacts your view of them.  Perhaps one of your parents made bad decisions which and betrayed the trust of your other parent causing the divorce.  Sometimes, your parents’ actions will cause you pain. You may even feel like between you and your parent, you are the one acting like the adult these days.  Given all of that, how can you continue to respect or honor your parents?

It is important to separate the the person from the position in your effort to respect and honor both of your parents.  Despite the actions of your parents, they have been put in your life and given the position of parent.  You can respect and honor that position regardless of the acts of the individuals in those positions.  Put another way, even though you’re your mother’s actions have left your father depressed and despondent, you can still respect her role as mother when it comes to setting rules and boundaries.

Keep in mind that respect is a choice you make.  Oftentimes in our society, you will hear that “respect is earned.” This is not true. Respect is given. Respect is a choice.  It is a choice to honor and respect a person regardless of your feelings towards them.  You choose to treat a person a certain way whether they deserve it or not because you know that it is the right thing to do.  Respect is not, and can not, be granted on a “quid pro quo” basis.  You don’t choose to respect your parents because they respect you or because they treat you the way you feel you should be treated.  You respect them because YOU make the choice to do so regardless of their actions.

Keep in mind that respect does not always mean affirming the actions of, or agreeing with the stance of, your parent.  If one of your parents is making destructive choices, or worse yet encouraging you to do the same, the most respectful thing you can sometimes do is turn away for a time or a season.  If your father’s house is unsafe, honor and respect does not demand that you stay there.  If your mother and father can not get along in the same room, honor does not dictate that you subject yourself to that drama on your graduation or wedding day.

Sometimes, respecting and honoring your parents has to start with forgiveness.  Quit holding on to the bitterness that you are feeling, and choose to forgive your parent.  You will not be able to honor or respect them so long as you are harboring resentment towards them.  It will not be easy, but choosing to honor and respect your parents can free you up emotionally and start you down the road of healing.

I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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Your parents would not have gotten a divorce if their relationship had not been strained in the first place.  In addition, divorce is a hard and stressful time, and many parents come out of a divorce with even more bitter feelings towards one another.  They should understand and appreciate that the other parent is still your parent and still important to you, but sometimes they mess up, forget that or ignore that fact and say things they shouldn’t say either to you or in front of you.

When your parents say bad things about one another, there are a few different things you should try to make the situation better.

1. Remember that there are two sides to every story, and often when we tell stories or talk about other people we are biased by our emotions and circumstances. Make your own judgments about your parents based on your own knowledge and not based on second-hand stories or comments from one parent.
2. Talk to your parents about the situation.  Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your other parent but that you still love them both and won’t pick one over the other.  Let them know that it hurts you to hear them saying negative things about the other parent.  Try to do this in a respectful way, but make it clear that your parent’s actions are hurting you as well, and ask them to stop talking badly about the other parent.  Hopefully this will be enough to get them to stop bad mouthing your other parent.
3. If it is too difficult to have a conversation with your parent, write them a letter explaining the situation and asking them to stop.
4. If you communicate with your parents and they continue to bad mouth the other parent, make a point of removing yourself from the situation next time one parent starts to speak negatively about the other.  It is not healthy for you to continue to listen to it.
5. Remember that parents make mistakes too.  Try to forgive them even when they don’t ask for forgiveness.

Remember, no matter what one parent may say, you have the right to love both of your parents and have both of them in your life. Sometimes when one parent says something bad about the other, it is almost as if they are saying that thing about you. After all, you are one-half of each of your parents. Try not to take what your parents say personally, and remember that their words do not define who you are as a person or an individual. You are not defined by their choices or actions.

When your parents get separated or divorced, you will experience emotions that you may never have had before.  You will also experience emotions much more deeply than you ever have before.  That is normal.  If your parents just recently told you that they are separating or getting a divorce, you are probably still trying to get used to the idea.  You may even be in shock or denial (unwilling to accept the news).

An announcement like that can cause you to feel sad, angry, depressed, lonely, guilty or many other emotions.  It is important that you find someone to talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through.  Find someone you trust (other than your parents) to share your feelings with.  This can be a trusted adult like a teacher, someone from church, or a family friend.  It is important that you “get it out” and not let your emotions just get “bottled up inside.”

It might not seem like it right now, but with time things will get better.  Your life will never be the same as it used to be, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy again.  Don’t rush it.  Take your time.  It’s ok if you don’t feel happy and and it’s ok if you do.  Everyone is unique, and while your friends may seem happy within months of their parents’ divorce, it might take you a year, or two or more.  Or, you might feel like you’ve finally found happiness again one day only to lose it when something else happens.

Hang in there!  Divorce hurts, and it will hurt for years to come, but you and your parents can create a new normal.  As you get used to the new routine, you will find that the things that used to make you happy can make you happy once again.

If you need someone to talk to, visit our forums here at I Am A Child of Divorce.  If you have a Facebook account, you can also find us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/IAmaChildofDivorce.com.  We would love to help you.