Here at I Am A Child of Divorce, we are pleased to announce the release the newest version of the My Feelings Workbook. Now published in conjunction with Hope 4 Hurting Kids, this book is designed to help kids, teens and adults to name the emotions they are feeling, and recognize what they are feeling.
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Divorce is hard, and as a child divorce you may wonder if anyone else understands what you are going through. Well, the answer is yes…and….no!
Unfortunately, lots of kids each year experience the divorce of their parents. In fact, since 1972 roughly one million kids per year, or more, have seen their parents divorce (sometimes more than once). Forty percent of children under the age of 18 do not live with their married biological (or adoptive) mom and dad (that’s 2 out of every five people under the age of 18).
So, the answer to the question, “Am I the only one going through this?” is no. There are lots of other kids who are also experiencing the divorce of their parents each year. Chances are you have cousins or friends or neighbors or schoolmates whose parents are divorced. Plus, the divorce rate (that is the number of people getting divorced) has been high for years. That means there are also tons of adults out there who went through the divorce of their parents when they are kids. Many of these adults can relate to what you are going through, and have the experience to help you in your own journey.
I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!
When parents get a divorce, there are a ton of changes that happen. Sometimes one parent moves out and you visit them occasionally. Sometimes both parents may need to move. Sometimes you continue to see both of your parents regularly. Sometimes you don’t. In some divorces, the children even stay in the same house while the parents move in and out depending on who the custody agreement. Every divorce is different.
Sometimes, children of divorce wonder if they even still belong to a family. When you travel back and forth between two homes, it sometimes feels like you don’t fully belong in either place. Are the people in one of those homes your family while the others are not? Maybe it’s just you and your siblings and one parent. Is that still a family? Maybe you live with your grandparents or aunt and uncle since the divorce. Are they part of your family? Are your parents still part of your family? Maybe your mom is remarried. Are your stepdad and stepsiblings part of your family? Maybe your Dad divorced your stepmom. Is she still part of your family? It can all get really confusing following a divorce.
It all comes down to one questions – What is a family? The fact is that, while living arrangements might change following a divorce, who makes up your family does not. Your family still consists of your mother and father and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles and anybody else who was part of your family before the divorce – whether you still live in the same house or not. The one change that you may experience, in time, is the addition of new family members. If your parents get remarried or have additional children following a divorce, you will have new people in your family. Sometimes that is hard to get used to, and sometimes it takes a while before those people feel like family. That’s ok.
This article from Kidshealth.org will help children dealing with step and blended families. It covers issues like getting used to stepparents, what to do if you can’t get along with your new stepparent and how to make a healthy transition into a step family. This resource offers a good variety of information and useful tips for making your stepfamily work.
Although you can’t eliminate the impact of divorce on your kids, working together and following some basic rules can make post-divorce life easier on your kids. Rosalind Sedacca shares seven keys to making your co-parenting relationship work for your kids following a divorce.
Donald Harting is a child of divorce. His parents separated when he was eight years old and divorced when he was 15. He knows what it is like to lose an intact family and deal with the repercussions of divorce. As a way to honor his parents, he has built a living memorial to them in the form of free books to help other children of divorced parents. You can find the program here.
And, the program does not offer just any books. They have researched the best books available for preschool aged, elementary aged, middle school aged and teenaged children of divorce and picked the best book for each category. As a result of their research they offer the following books for each category of children:
Preschool/Kindergarten
Using watercolor illustrations and gentle explanations, Mama and Daddy Bears Divorce discusses changes (like Daddy moving out), but reassures little ones that important things will stay the same. As Dinah learns, “her daddy would always be her daddy, and her mama would always be her mama.” (Description from FSCC).
Divorce brings with it all kinds of different emotions. If your parents are divorced, you already know that. Sometimes you will be sad, sometimes angry, sometimes lonely, and sometimes many other different emotions. But, is it ok to be happy? Shouldn’t you be upset and sad following your parents’ divorce? …at least for a little while?
Some kids are happy following their parents divorce, and that is ok! Maybe your parents fought a lot. That can be very stressful to you as their child, and maybe you are happy that you just don’t have to listen to it anymore. Maybe your Dad pays more attention to you when you spend time together after the divorce than he ever did before. That can definitely make you happy. Maybe you’ve had to move or something else that you view your life like a big adventure, and going on that adventure makes you happy. It doesn’t matter what it is that makes you happy, the important thing to remember is that it is perfectly acceptable for you to be happy following your parents’ divorce. And, no one should tell you otherwise.
When you are happy, enjoy it! Even if you are generally happy with the divorce, there will likely be times when that fades and you’re not so happy anymore. That’s ok too. Sometimes we are happy, and sometimes we are not – that doesn’t change after a divorce. The important thing is that we understand that however we feel, that’s ok. It is also important to recognize how we feel and find someone we trust to talk to about it. So, if you’re happy go find something fun to do and enjoy being happy. There is plenty of time for other emotions at a later time.
The teen years can be a particularly hard time for children to experience the divorce of their parents. This article from Risa Garcon explains why and offers some practical advice to both parents and teens.