This article from First Wives World is directed towards moms with advice on how to help their children work through their issues related to the divorce.  I appreciate this article because is does not take the “your kids will happy” route that so many article aimed at parents seem to take.  Instead, it presents a realistic look at what divorce might be like for your kids.  Indeed the opening paragraph contains a stark reminder for parents:

Remember, it is not your job to make your children feel cheerful about the divorce, or to convince them that the divorce was a wise decision. Just listening to your child’s complaints means a great deal.

The article provides a cursory look at three common ways kids are hurt in the divorce process:

1. Loss of the everyday.
2. Loss of parents as they used to be.
3. Loss of material things

Part two of this important series offers mom’s some insights into signs that their kids are hurting from the divorce including things like selfishness, lack of ambition and anger.

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I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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This article from Helpguide.org provides tons of advice for parents on helping their kids to cope with separation and divorce.  The article starts with this sobering advice for parents:

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope.

The article starts with advice about how to tell the kids if you have decided to get a divorce. (For more information see our thorough treatment of the subject at How Should I Tell My Kids We’re Getting a Divorce?).  From there the article covers some major things parents can do to help kids following a divorce.  They include:

• Listen and Reassure
• Providing Stability and Structure
• Taking Care of Yourself
• Working With Your Ex
• Knowing When to Seek Help

Obviously, one article can’t tell you everything you need to know in order to help your child with this major event their life, but this is a solid and thorough article packed full of useful advice.

LINK: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

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From KidsHealth.org, this article is a guide to divorce written specifically for kids.  The article explains that “Divorce Is Tough For Everyone,” and includes the important reminders that “Kids Don’t Cause Divorce” and “Kids Can’t Fix Divorce.”  If your parents are getting a divorce, or you know someone whose parents are divorced, this is a great resource to find out the basics about divorce.

LINK: http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/divorce.html

Many kids are shocked when they find out that their parents are getting a divorce.  Some parents fight a lot, and the kids in those homes may start to suspect that their parents are going to split up.  But, if you came from a home where there wasn’t much conflict, you may have been entirely surprised when they broke the news to you.  You probably didn’t know that one or both of your parents weren’t happy in their marriage, and you may be left feeling angry and confused as you work through the shock of it.

You are not alone though.  Statistics tells us the about 75% (that’s 3 out of every 4) divorces end a marriage that is classified as “low conflict.”  That means that the parents didn’t argue or fight very much.  So, there are lots of kids out there who had no idea that their parents were headed down the road to divorce until it actually happened.

If you were shocked by the news of your parents’ divorce, there are a few things you need to keep in mind:
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Divorce is hard on kids, and it takes time for children to adjust to the divorce of their parents.  The fact is, they may never fully adjust.  However, equally stressful to children of divorce can be when their parents begin to date and especially if they remarry.  Many stepparents have faced the battle of trying to relate to, and form a relationship with, their stepkids.  This article from HuffPost asked several “experts” in the field for their advice on how stepparents can “create a healthy, unhurried relationship with their stepkids.”

LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/26/stepparent-advice-how-to_n_2951878.html

When your parents get divorced, there are plenty of things that can make you feel anxious or afraid.  Here are some of things that children of divorce have told us they were afraid of or anxious about:

• Moving to a new house or neighborhood
• Changing schools
• No longer getting to see one parent
• Being left all alone
• Losing grandparents, aunts & uncles or other family members
• That the remaining parent may also leave
• Having enough money
• Loss of family rituals and traditions
• Not knowing where they will live
• That their parents will stop loving them too
• Parents dating and getting remarried
• Loss of family
• Being blamed for the divorce
• Having to take sides between parents
• Disappointing one or both parents
• Losing friends
• People talking about them or their family
• Being put in the middle between parents
• Not getting to be a kid anymore
• Losing stuff as they move from one place to another
• Having to take on additional responsibilities like taking care of younger siblings
• Whether or not their own relationships and marriages are doomed to fail

These are just some things that children of divorce may fear or be anxious about.  These fears and anxiety can come and go as time passes.  Which items from the list apply to you and your situation?

Anxiety and fear are often caused by a lack of information or a plan. In other words, fear often results from gaps – gaps in information, gaps in understanding and gaps in ability.  Closing those gaps can help to alleviate some of those fears.  One easy to remember method for dealing with your fears and anxieties is known as the “GAP Method.”

The letters in “Gap” spell out the basic steps in the GAP Method which are:

    Gather Information,

    Assess the Odds; and

    Play to Your Strengths.

By using this method, you can help yourself to get over those fears and anxieties and focus your efforts and emotions on more positive things.  Let’s look at each step a little bit closer.

GATHER INFORMATION

The biggest thing that feeds many of our fears is the unknown.  When we don’t know what is going on or what is going to happen, we don’t feel like we have any control over the situation, and this leads to increased feelings of fear and anxiety.  So, the first step in overcoming fears is to gather information.  Do some research about the things that scare you.  If your biggest fear is having to move to a new neighborhood or school, find out all the information you can about that neighborhood.  Where is it?  What it is like?  Do you have any friends who live in that neighborhood already?  What is the new school like?  Does it have the same extracurricular activities that you’re currently in?  If your biggest fear has to do with not getting to see one of your parents, gather information on that.  What visitation schedule has the judge decided on?  What is your parents’ plan for making sure that you can see both of them?  What other options are available to stay in contact?  Talk to your parents about these question.  There is an old saying that, “knowledge is power,” and in this case knowledge holds the power to squash your fears.

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LINK TO RESOURCE: http://divorceministry4kids.com/2012/dealing-with-the-effects-of-divorce-on-kids/

At Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, they have compiled a free e-book with contains one page infographics with information and advice on helping kids deal with common emotions that come with the divorce of their parents.  The book include help on dealing with feelings of:

• Anger
• Anxiety
• Chaos
• Confusion
• Denial
• Depression
• Embarrassment
• Fear
• Grief
• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Loss
• Powerlessness
• Sadness
• Shock
• Stress
• Torn Feelings
• Vulnerability
• Withdrawal

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This article from cozi.com explores how parents can use modern technology to stay in touch with their kids even when those kids are not living under the same roof.  There are signs that perhaps these advances are having a positive impact.  The article explains:

In a study on nonresidential fathers, researcher Paul Amato from Pennsylvania State University found that the percentage of nonresidential fathers being involved with their children more than tripled from 8 percent in the 1970s to 26 percent in 2000s.

In the days of Skype and Facetime and Google Hangouts, there is no reason that parents shouldn’t be seeing their kids on a regular basis (even if it is on a computer screen)!

LINK: http://www.cozi.com/live-simply/honey-your-dads-skype-how-technology-making-parenting-easier-divorced-families

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When parents get divorced, there are many things that have to be divided between them.  Things like family pictures, checking accounts, vehicles and much more is divided.  Sometimes parents agree how to split these items up, and other times a judge tells people who are divorcing how their stuff will be divided up.

The same things happens for time spent with you.  Before the divorce, you probably spent time with both parents, but after the divorce there will be some sort of visitation schedule that determines who you will spend time with and how much time you will spend with each parent.

One of the other things that gets split up in a divorce is the family’s income (how much money your parents’ earn).  The judge, or your parents if they can agree on an amount, will determine who gets what portion of the family’s income.  The goal is to make sure both parents, and houses, have enough money to live on, but this doesn’t always happen because now the same income has to support two homes instead of just one.

Sometimes one parent earns more than the other parent – maybe your dad worked prior to the marriage and your mom stayed at home or vice versa.  In that case, one parent will earn more money.  In order to make things more fair, the judge may decide that one party has to pay support to the other.  There are two types of support a judge might order – alimony and child support.

Alimony is money that one party has to pay to the other after the divorce in order to make their income more fair.  So, if the goal is to make sure that both parties get one-half of the income, and dad is the only one who works outside the home, he would be ordered to pay an amount equal to one-half of what he earns to your mother.

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