…statistics show that one third of all children are likely to spend some time in a stepfamily while growing up.

Many times adjusting to a parent dating and/or getting remarried can be harder than the initial divorce.  This article from the TeensHealth portion of KidHealth.org helps teens deal with adjusting to having a new stepparent.  The article does not sugar coat the situation:

Sometimes a stepparent can feel like a stranger who is suddenly inserted into the most personal aspects of your life. The pressure to get along can be intense.

Despite these issue, the article presents some practical things teens can do to adjust to these new step family situations including advice on how to deal with emotions like:

• Keeping a journal
• Seeking support from a friend
• Talking to your parent or another trusted adult

The article also offers advice when it comes to “Facing the Realities.”

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Let’s face it, if you live part-time at both your mom’s house and your dad’s house, it can be hard on you.  Even apart from the emotional baggage that goes along with living in two different homes (and maybe with two different families), there is the practical and organization nightmare of not having all of your stuff in one place.  That can be frustrating, in fact “frustrating” might be one of the nicer words you could use to describe it.

Here are some steps that might help ease the practical discomforts of living in two homes.  It may not be possible (depending on your living arrangements) to follow all of these, but hopefully they will give you some ideas.

• Don’t live out of suitcases.  Unpack your stuff when you get the home you’re headed to.  Living out of a suitcase may seem easier, especially if you are only going to be there for a few days, but the process of unpacking your suitcase will help to make each home feel a little more permanent.
• Have a space at each house that’s all yours.  Just because you’re not there all the time doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have your own space.  Ideally, you will have your own room at each place, but this doesn’t always work out depending on the number of people in your family and the space available.  At least have a dresser or a closet or a drawer that is all yours.
• Have some clothes at each house.  If you have some essential clothes at each house, you won’t have to worry about leaving all your underwear at mom’s house or all your socks at dad’s house.  If you have a favorite pair of jeans or sweatshirt, try to get your parents to buy two of each (one for each house).  You don’t need a full wardrobe at both houses, but some essentials are important.
• Keep in touch with the other parent.  It’s hard not to miss one parent when you’re at the other parent’s house.  Write letters or e-mails, talk on the phone, send a text or talk on Skype to keep up with what’s going on in the other house.
• Bring along some of your favorite things.  If you have a hobby like collecting sports cards, reading, building legos or model trains, take along some of your collection so that you can enjoy it at the other house.
• Have certain things at each home.  If there are certain toys or activities that you really enjoy (think video game systems or a bike), try to have one at both houses.  Remember, it doesn’t have to be exactly the same at each house to work.  Maybe you can have a PS3 at one house and an Xbox at the other. (This one might take some convincing, but who knows?!?)
• Keep a calendar.  Your parents may have a calendar to keep track of you and your stuff, but keep your own as well.  Whether you use paper, an iPhone, or an online calendar like Google, knowing when you are going to be at each house will help you to schedule events and activities with friends and relatives.  Ask your parents to keep you updated on any changes in the schedule.  If you use a shared calendar like Google, you can let your parents see what you have going on so they can plan around it.
• Make lists.  If you keep lists of the most important things that you need to remember, there is less chance that you will find yourself at one house needing something that you left at the other house.  If you type those lists up on the computer, you can print out multiple copies and use them every time you go back and forth between homes.
• Talk to your parents.  If keeping track of two sets of rules and expectations is getting hard on you, sit down with your parents and try to agree on some basics.  If they refuse to sit down together, sit down with each of them separately and try to come to come agreement.  It might seem “cool” that the rules aren’t as strict at one house as the other, but in the end you may find life easier if both homes have similar rules and expectations.

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Here at I Am A Child of Divorce, we are pleased to announce the release the newest version of the My Feelings Workbook. Now published in conjunction with Hope 4 Hurting Kids, this book is designed to help kids, teens and adults to name the emotions they are feeling, and recognize what they are feeling.

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Divorce is hard, and as a child divorce you may wonder if anyone else understands what you are going through.  Well, the answer is yes…and….no! 

Unfortunately, lots of kids each year experience the divorce of their parents.  In fact, since 1972 roughly one million kids per year, or more, have seen their parents divorce (sometimes more than once).  Forty percent of children under the age of 18 do not live with their married biological (or adoptive) mom and dad (that’s 2 out of every five people under the age of 18). 

So, the answer to the question, “Am I the only one going through this?” is no.  There are lots of other kids who are also experiencing the divorce of their parents each year.  Chances are you have cousins or friends or neighbors or schoolmates whose parents are divorced.  Plus, the divorce rate (that is the number of people getting divorced) has been high for years.  That means there are also tons of adults out there who went through the divorce of their parents when they are kids.  Many of these adults can relate to what you are going through, and have the experience to help you in your own journey.

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I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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When parents get a divorce, there are a ton of changes that happen.  Sometimes one parent moves out and you visit them occasionally.  Sometimes both parents may need to move.  Sometimes you continue to see both of your parents regularly.  Sometimes you don’t.  In some divorces, the children even stay in the same house while the parents move in and out depending on who the custody agreement.  Every divorce is different.

Sometimes, children of divorce wonder if they even still belong to a family.  When you travel back and forth between two homes, it sometimes feels like you don’t fully belong in either place.  Are the people in one of those homes your family while the others are not?  Maybe it’s just you and your siblings and one parent.  Is that still a family?  Maybe you live with your grandparents or aunt and uncle since the divorce.  Are they part of your family?  Are your parents still part of your family?  Maybe your mom is remarried.  Are your stepdad and stepsiblings part of your family?  Maybe your Dad divorced your stepmom.  Is she still part of your family?  It can all get really confusing following a divorce.

It all comes down to one questions – What is a family? The fact is that, while living arrangements might change following a divorce, who makes up your family does not.  Your family still consists of your mother and father and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles and anybody else who was part of your family before the divorce – whether you still live in the same house or not.  The one change that you may experience, in time, is the addition of new family members.  If your parents get remarried or have additional children following a divorce, you will have new people in your family.  Sometimes that is hard to get used to, and sometimes it takes a while before those people feel like family.  That’s ok.

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This article from Kidshealth.org will help children dealing with step and blended families.  It covers issues like getting used to stepparents, what to do if you can’t get along with your new stepparent and how to make a healthy transition into a step family. This resource offers a good variety of information and useful tips for making your stepfamily work.

LINK: http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/blended.html

Although you can’t eliminate the impact of divorce on your kids, working together and following some basic rules can make post-divorce life easier on your kids. Rosalind Sedacca shares seven keys to making your co-parenting relationship work for your kids following a divorce.

LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalind-sedacca/cooperative-coparenting-k_b_2737385.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce

Donald Harting is a child of divorce.  His parents separated when he was eight years old and divorced when he was 15.  He knows what it is like to lose an intact family and deal with the repercussions of divorce.  As a way to honor his parents, he has built a living memorial to them in the form of free books to help other children of divorced parents. You can find the program here.

And, the program does not offer just any books.  They have researched the best books available for preschool aged, elementary aged, middle school aged and teenaged children of divorce and picked the best book for each category.  As a result of their research they offer the following books for each category of children:

Preschool/Kindergarten

Using watercolor illustrations and gentle explanations, Mama and Daddy Bears Divorce discusses changes (like Daddy moving out), but reassures little ones that important things will stay the same. As Dinah learns, “her daddy would always be her daddy, and her mama would always be her mama.” (Description from FSCC).

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Divorce brings with it all kinds of different emotions.  If your parents are divorced, you already know that.  Sometimes you will be sad, sometimes angry, sometimes lonely, and sometimes many other different emotions.  But, is it ok to be happy?  Shouldn’t you be upset and sad following your parents’ divorce? …at least for a little while?

Some kids are happy following their parents divorce, and that is ok!  Maybe your parents fought a lot.  That can be very stressful to you as their child, and maybe you are happy that you just don’t have to listen to it anymore.  Maybe your Dad pays more attention to you when you spend time together after the divorce than he ever did before.  That can definitely make you happy.  Maybe you’ve had to move or something else that you view your life like a big adventure, and going on that adventure makes you happy.  It doesn’t matter what it is that makes you happy, the important thing to remember is that it is perfectly acceptable for you to be happy following your parents’ divorce.  And, no one should tell you otherwise.

When you are happy, enjoy it!  Even if you are generally happy with the divorce, there will likely be times when that fades and you’re not so happy anymore.  That’s ok too.  Sometimes we are  happy, and sometimes we are not – that doesn’t change after a divorce.  The important thing is that we understand that however we feel, that’s ok.  It is also important to recognize how we feel and find someone we trust to talk to about it.  So, if you’re happy go find something fun to do and enjoy being happy.  There is plenty of time for other emotions at a later time.