Many kids are shocked when they find out that their parents are getting a divorce.  Some parents fight a lot, and the kids in those homes may start to suspect that their parents are going to split up.  But, if you came from a home where there wasn’t much conflict, you may have been entirely surprised when they broke the news to you.  You probably didn’t know that one or both of your parents weren’t happy in their marriage, and you may be left feeling angry and confused as you work through the shock of it.

You are not alone though.  Statistics tells us the about 75% (that’s 3 out of every 4) divorces end a marriage that is classified as “low conflict.”  That means that the parents didn’t argue or fight very much.  So, there are lots of kids out there who had no idea that their parents were headed down the road to divorce until it actually happened.

If you were shocked by the news of your parents’ divorce, there are a few things you need to keep in mind:
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When your parents get divorced, there are plenty of things that can make you feel anxious or afraid.  Here are some of things that children of divorce have told us they were afraid of or anxious about:

• Moving to a new house or neighborhood
• Changing schools
• No longer getting to see one parent
• Being left all alone
• Losing grandparents, aunts & uncles or other family members
• That the remaining parent may also leave
• Having enough money
• Loss of family rituals and traditions
• Not knowing where they will live
• That their parents will stop loving them too
• Parents dating and getting remarried
• Loss of family
• Being blamed for the divorce
• Having to take sides between parents
• Disappointing one or both parents
• Losing friends
• People talking about them or their family
• Being put in the middle between parents
• Not getting to be a kid anymore
• Losing stuff as they move from one place to another
• Having to take on additional responsibilities like taking care of younger siblings
• Whether or not their own relationships and marriages are doomed to fail

These are just some things that children of divorce may fear or be anxious about.  These fears and anxiety can come and go as time passes.  Which items from the list apply to you and your situation?

Anxiety and fear are often caused by a lack of information or a plan. In other words, fear often results from gaps – gaps in information, gaps in understanding and gaps in ability.  Closing those gaps can help to alleviate some of those fears.  One easy to remember method for dealing with your fears and anxieties is known as the “GAP Method.”

The letters in “Gap” spell out the basic steps in the GAP Method which are:

    Gather Information,

    Assess the Odds; and

    Play to Your Strengths.

By using this method, you can help yourself to get over those fears and anxieties and focus your efforts and emotions on more positive things.  Let’s look at each step a little bit closer.

GATHER INFORMATION

The biggest thing that feeds many of our fears is the unknown.  When we don’t know what is going on or what is going to happen, we don’t feel like we have any control over the situation, and this leads to increased feelings of fear and anxiety.  So, the first step in overcoming fears is to gather information.  Do some research about the things that scare you.  If your biggest fear is having to move to a new neighborhood or school, find out all the information you can about that neighborhood.  Where is it?  What it is like?  Do you have any friends who live in that neighborhood already?  What is the new school like?  Does it have the same extracurricular activities that you’re currently in?  If your biggest fear has to do with not getting to see one of your parents, gather information on that.  What visitation schedule has the judge decided on?  What is your parents’ plan for making sure that you can see both of them?  What other options are available to stay in contact?  Talk to your parents about these question.  There is an old saying that, “knowledge is power,” and in this case knowledge holds the power to squash your fears.

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LINK TO RESOURCE: http://divorceministry4kids.com/2012/dealing-with-the-effects-of-divorce-on-kids/

At Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, they have compiled a free e-book with contains one page infographics with information and advice on helping kids deal with common emotions that come with the divorce of their parents.  The book include help on dealing with feelings of:

• Anger
• Anxiety
• Chaos
• Confusion
• Denial
• Depression
• Embarrassment
• Fear
• Grief
• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Loss
• Powerlessness
• Sadness
• Shock
• Stress
• Torn Feelings
• Vulnerability
• Withdrawal

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This article from cozi.com explores how parents can use modern technology to stay in touch with their kids even when those kids are not living under the same roof.  There are signs that perhaps these advances are having a positive impact.  The article explains:

In a study on nonresidential fathers, researcher Paul Amato from Pennsylvania State University found that the percentage of nonresidential fathers being involved with their children more than tripled from 8 percent in the 1970s to 26 percent in 2000s.

In the days of Skype and Facetime and Google Hangouts, there is no reason that parents shouldn’t be seeing their kids on a regular basis (even if it is on a computer screen)!

LINK: http://www.cozi.com/live-simply/honey-your-dads-skype-how-technology-making-parenting-easier-divorced-families

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When parents get divorced, there are many things that have to be divided between them.  Things like family pictures, checking accounts, vehicles and much more is divided.  Sometimes parents agree how to split these items up, and other times a judge tells people who are divorcing how their stuff will be divided up.

The same things happens for time spent with you.  Before the divorce, you probably spent time with both parents, but after the divorce there will be some sort of visitation schedule that determines who you will spend time with and how much time you will spend with each parent.

One of the other things that gets split up in a divorce is the family’s income (how much money your parents’ earn).  The judge, or your parents if they can agree on an amount, will determine who gets what portion of the family’s income.  The goal is to make sure both parents, and houses, have enough money to live on, but this doesn’t always happen because now the same income has to support two homes instead of just one.

Sometimes one parent earns more than the other parent – maybe your dad worked prior to the marriage and your mom stayed at home or vice versa.  In that case, one parent will earn more money.  In order to make things more fair, the judge may decide that one party has to pay support to the other.  There are two types of support a judge might order – alimony and child support.

Alimony is money that one party has to pay to the other after the divorce in order to make their income more fair.  So, if the goal is to make sure that both parties get one-half of the income, and dad is the only one who works outside the home, he would be ordered to pay an amount equal to one-half of what he earns to your mother.

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…statistics show that one third of all children are likely to spend some time in a stepfamily while growing up.

Many times adjusting to a parent dating and/or getting remarried can be harder than the initial divorce.  This article from the TeensHealth portion of KidHealth.org helps teens deal with adjusting to having a new stepparent.  The article does not sugar coat the situation:

Sometimes a stepparent can feel like a stranger who is suddenly inserted into the most personal aspects of your life. The pressure to get along can be intense.

Despite these issue, the article presents some practical things teens can do to adjust to these new step family situations including advice on how to deal with emotions like:

• Keeping a journal
• Seeking support from a friend
• Talking to your parent or another trusted adult

The article also offers advice when it comes to “Facing the Realities.”

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Let’s face it, if you live part-time at both your mom’s house and your dad’s house, it can be hard on you.  Even apart from the emotional baggage that goes along with living in two different homes (and maybe with two different families), there is the practical and organization nightmare of not having all of your stuff in one place.  That can be frustrating, in fact “frustrating” might be one of the nicer words you could use to describe it.

Here are some steps that might help ease the practical discomforts of living in two homes.  It may not be possible (depending on your living arrangements) to follow all of these, but hopefully they will give you some ideas.

• Don’t live out of suitcases.  Unpack your stuff when you get the home you’re headed to.  Living out of a suitcase may seem easier, especially if you are only going to be there for a few days, but the process of unpacking your suitcase will help to make each home feel a little more permanent.
• Have a space at each house that’s all yours.  Just because you’re not there all the time doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have your own space.  Ideally, you will have your own room at each place, but this doesn’t always work out depending on the number of people in your family and the space available.  At least have a dresser or a closet or a drawer that is all yours.
• Have some clothes at each house.  If you have some essential clothes at each house, you won’t have to worry about leaving all your underwear at mom’s house or all your socks at dad’s house.  If you have a favorite pair of jeans or sweatshirt, try to get your parents to buy two of each (one for each house).  You don’t need a full wardrobe at both houses, but some essentials are important.
• Keep in touch with the other parent.  It’s hard not to miss one parent when you’re at the other parent’s house.  Write letters or e-mails, talk on the phone, send a text or talk on Skype to keep up with what’s going on in the other house.
• Bring along some of your favorite things.  If you have a hobby like collecting sports cards, reading, building legos or model trains, take along some of your collection so that you can enjoy it at the other house.
• Have certain things at each home.  If there are certain toys or activities that you really enjoy (think video game systems or a bike), try to have one at both houses.  Remember, it doesn’t have to be exactly the same at each house to work.  Maybe you can have a PS3 at one house and an Xbox at the other. (This one might take some convincing, but who knows?!?)
• Keep a calendar.  Your parents may have a calendar to keep track of you and your stuff, but keep your own as well.  Whether you use paper, an iPhone, or an online calendar like Google, knowing when you are going to be at each house will help you to schedule events and activities with friends and relatives.  Ask your parents to keep you updated on any changes in the schedule.  If you use a shared calendar like Google, you can let your parents see what you have going on so they can plan around it.
• Make lists.  If you keep lists of the most important things that you need to remember, there is less chance that you will find yourself at one house needing something that you left at the other house.  If you type those lists up on the computer, you can print out multiple copies and use them every time you go back and forth between homes.
• Talk to your parents.  If keeping track of two sets of rules and expectations is getting hard on you, sit down with your parents and try to agree on some basics.  If they refuse to sit down together, sit down with each of them separately and try to come to come agreement.  It might seem “cool” that the rules aren’t as strict at one house as the other, but in the end you may find life easier if both homes have similar rules and expectations.

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Here at I Am A Child of Divorce, we are pleased to announce the release the newest version of the My Feelings Workbook. Now published in conjunction with Hope 4 Hurting Kids, this book is designed to help kids, teens and adults to name the emotions they are feeling, and recognize what they are feeling.

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Divorce is hard, and as a child divorce you may wonder if anyone else understands what you are going through.  Well, the answer is yes…and….no! 

Unfortunately, lots of kids each year experience the divorce of their parents.  In fact, since 1972 roughly one million kids per year, or more, have seen their parents divorce (sometimes more than once).  Forty percent of children under the age of 18 do not live with their married biological (or adoptive) mom and dad (that’s 2 out of every five people under the age of 18). 

So, the answer to the question, “Am I the only one going through this?” is no.  There are lots of other kids who are also experiencing the divorce of their parents each year.  Chances are you have cousins or friends or neighbors or schoolmates whose parents are divorced.  Plus, the divorce rate (that is the number of people getting divorced) has been high for years.  That means there are also tons of adults out there who went through the divorce of their parents when they are kids.  Many of these adults can relate to what you are going through, and have the experience to help you in your own journey.

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I Am A Child of Divorce is a proud part of Hope 4 Hurting Kids and we’ve decided to move this article to that page as we continue to build a repository of resources for children of divorce and children and teens who have experienced a variety of other traumatic events in their lives. We hope that you will check it out there!

You can find an updated copy of this article on Hope 4 Hurting Kids using this link.

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